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I've been blessed with an over abundance of guilt lately.
guilt ( P ) Pronunciation Key (glt)
n.
1. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
2. Law. Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
3. a. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
b. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
4. Guilty conduct; sin.
Hrmm...guilt is what I feel yet isn't necessarily defined there.
I feel guilty about the way I see, treat and talk to my mother. This is not something that is likely to go away or mend itself soon. She's a nightmare at times, but because I know there is nothing I can do about it I bite back ALL the things I could say about it and only say what I feel, at the time, is necessary. I love my mother. I want her to be my mother again. This is something that she's ceased to be most of the time. From time to time though, when she's not being overly neurotic about inane details in her life or in a drug-induced stupor (and walking around that way), she is the woman that raised me: funny, intelligent and quick witted. There are times that she could be more lucid than she is and chooses not to. Neurotic tendencies are what makes me treat her like she's senile (her biggest complaint about me).
I've been talking to her about my moving to Baton Rouge and she's "convinced" (I say hoping) that I'm not going to actually make the move. Consequently, I feel guilt about that too. She told me not to keep from doing anything in my life just because of her if it will make me happy. I appreciated that more than I could express at the time. But then again that was mostly because in the same breath, she mentioned that she hadn't quite realized I would be moving so soon (I'm 26) and that she's really gotten quite used to me being around. She said she'll miss me because she doesn't talk to my brother, sister or father like she does with me, she's not close to them. Not to mention that they think she's feeble enough but also aren't willing to help her do anything.
I see her as a bother to me. She annoys me and my two worst fears are so defined everyday that I am around her. I fear that I will move out and she'll die and I'll feel guilty about that for the rest of my life. I also fear that if I try and wait till she dies, she'll stick around for years and before I know it, I'm 35, childless, lifeless and living with my mother. I despise that thought with every bone in my body so I'm moving. But for these things, I feel guilty. I don't want her to be a bother to me. I don't want my jaw to tighten or my fists to clench when she starts talking to me or talking, in general, about her drugs.
As for other guilts, I feel guilty that my stress in other places is affecting my personal relationships with certain people. I can't stand the thought of more than one hurt and so I'm devoid of conversation with Master. There are things I could say, even want to say but I find myself passing on the moment to say them with thoughts I don't know. That is unfair to him and to myself. I hate myself for doing it. I know I'm pushing away from him. I'm acting out. He is responding, not with discipline, but with patience and understanding and I can't decide which is better/worse depending. Last night I was told not to stay up too late because I had to work this morning and I responded to him by laughing and saying that "I'll try not to." Understandably he was none to happy with that and replied with "excuse me?" As opposed to other times when I would have instantly seen the error of my ways and apologized and did as he asked, I was undeterred. He told me to mind my normal bed time (roughly around 10:30) and I told him that, considering it was in minutes, that it wasn't likely it was going to happen. So I walked away from the conversation and then avoided the phone call. I didn't need to be any more biting in conversation than I had been.
He says he misses me. We talk everyday. Well..we converse everyday. I haven't actually "talked" with him in awhile and it's starting to take it's toll on the relationship. I satiate myself with the idea that he's got plenty to do talking to the other girl. I know that's not the point. I know he wants to have conversations with me. He told me today that he is waiting patiently until I can be the girl I was. He knows I'm not myself but that doesn't mean he is going to give up on it. All I could do was cry.
He and I both know that I need a release, but I don't want to go to a party. In lieu of party, I'm sending a donation to the club owner because I've stayed away so long. My stress levels (as much as I may hide them) are too high to be that social as far as I'm concerned and I don't want them (you people) seeing me in that kind of mood. I want to find someone local that can beat the crap out of me until I cry on occasion without it having to "be" anything.
I guess I have gotten enough of this out of my system for now.
guilt ( P ) Pronunciation Key (glt)
n.
1. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
2. Law. Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
3. a. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
b. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
4. Guilty conduct; sin.
Hrmm...guilt is what I feel yet isn't necessarily defined there.
I feel guilty about the way I see, treat and talk to my mother. This is not something that is likely to go away or mend itself soon. She's a nightmare at times, but because I know there is nothing I can do about it I bite back ALL the things I could say about it and only say what I feel, at the time, is necessary. I love my mother. I want her to be my mother again. This is something that she's ceased to be most of the time. From time to time though, when she's not being overly neurotic about inane details in her life or in a drug-induced stupor (and walking around that way), she is the woman that raised me: funny, intelligent and quick witted. There are times that she could be more lucid than she is and chooses not to. Neurotic tendencies are what makes me treat her like she's senile (her biggest complaint about me).
I've been talking to her about my moving to Baton Rouge and she's "convinced" (I say hoping) that I'm not going to actually make the move. Consequently, I feel guilt about that too. She told me not to keep from doing anything in my life just because of her if it will make me happy. I appreciated that more than I could express at the time. But then again that was mostly because in the same breath, she mentioned that she hadn't quite realized I would be moving so soon (I'm 26) and that she's really gotten quite used to me being around. She said she'll miss me because she doesn't talk to my brother, sister or father like she does with me, she's not close to them. Not to mention that they think she's feeble enough but also aren't willing to help her do anything.
I see her as a bother to me. She annoys me and my two worst fears are so defined everyday that I am around her. I fear that I will move out and she'll die and I'll feel guilty about that for the rest of my life. I also fear that if I try and wait till she dies, she'll stick around for years and before I know it, I'm 35, childless, lifeless and living with my mother. I despise that thought with every bone in my body so I'm moving. But for these things, I feel guilty. I don't want her to be a bother to me. I don't want my jaw to tighten or my fists to clench when she starts talking to me or talking, in general, about her drugs.
As for other guilts, I feel guilty that my stress in other places is affecting my personal relationships with certain people. I can't stand the thought of more than one hurt and so I'm devoid of conversation with Master. There are things I could say, even want to say but I find myself passing on the moment to say them with thoughts I don't know. That is unfair to him and to myself. I hate myself for doing it. I know I'm pushing away from him. I'm acting out. He is responding, not with discipline, but with patience and understanding and I can't decide which is better/worse depending. Last night I was told not to stay up too late because I had to work this morning and I responded to him by laughing and saying that "I'll try not to." Understandably he was none to happy with that and replied with "excuse me?" As opposed to other times when I would have instantly seen the error of my ways and apologized and did as he asked, I was undeterred. He told me to mind my normal bed time (roughly around 10:30) and I told him that, considering it was in minutes, that it wasn't likely it was going to happen. So I walked away from the conversation and then avoided the phone call. I didn't need to be any more biting in conversation than I had been.
He says he misses me. We talk everyday. Well..we converse everyday. I haven't actually "talked" with him in awhile and it's starting to take it's toll on the relationship. I satiate myself with the idea that he's got plenty to do talking to the other girl. I know that's not the point. I know he wants to have conversations with me. He told me today that he is waiting patiently until I can be the girl I was. He knows I'm not myself but that doesn't mean he is going to give up on it. All I could do was cry.
He and I both know that I need a release, but I don't want to go to a party. In lieu of party, I'm sending a donation to the club owner because I've stayed away so long. My stress levels (as much as I may hide them) are too high to be that social as far as I'm concerned and I don't want them (you people) seeing me in that kind of mood. I want to find someone local that can beat the crap out of me until I cry on occasion without it having to "be" anything.
I guess I have gotten enough of this out of my system for now.
