autumnluv143

This is an appropriate place for me to express my hatred, right? I'm certainly not supposed to do it in other social media platforms because of the range of people that are on my friend's list. But while I'm feeling rageful, I'm going to get this off my chest.

I. Fucking. Hate. The. Spin. Class. Instructor.

So my office is directly next to the spin class at the gym. There is no insulation in the wall to block any time of noise that comes through so I literally hear everything all day long. On Mondays and sometimes Thursday and Friday, I get this bass that vibrates the concrete foundation. On top of that, she chooses music that repeats and a high bass or electronic sound. I can't help it. I fucking hate her because it's only her class that's like this. Just like the only Zumba instructor I hate is the one who chooses the same type of music (my old office is next to group class studio).

A few weeks ago, I actually had to just go stand outside of my office and calm myself down. The stressors from the auditory issues were bringing me to tears. And I'm aware that the more stressed I am in other ways, it makes the misophonia much much worse. I finally had to explain to my boss that for 1 hour a day, a couple of days a week, I will be at radio silence because I just can't handle the noise.

The weird part about all of this is that I have these earphones that block the ear canal. Without plugging them into a device, I get the muffled sound, which is immensely helpful. But to block out the vibrating, stressful noises, I have to turn my music up to full blast. How can certain music bring me to tears and others soothe me back to calmness? Positive side is that if I damage my hearing too badly, I already know some sign language to be able to survive well in my older age. :)

I am trying out a new journal site (this one, obviously) because I miss LiveJournal but don't feel like looking at everything in Russian. Sometimes I have shit to say and it can't go on Facebook because of too many butt-hurt people. This will help in getting some of that stuff off my chest.

Now I just need to get some friends involved too. :)

Brandon's family are the best and worst cases of the hood. He's got some cousins/Uncles/etc who are into drugs and have been to jail and then those who have never been in a lick of trouble in their lives. Well yesterday changed for one of his cousins who was trying to do good for himself.

Brandon's cousin, Arthur, was involved in an accident yesterday. From what I understand about the situation, Arthur was coming down a two lane street in New Orleans, didn't see one car stop, but swerved to avoid it and ran over a 6-year old boy and his sister. The little boy was crossing the street from corner to corner (rather than from side to side) while his mom watched from the porch. He was on his way to the bus stop. Arthur stopped a ways up and just sat there in shock. He didn't know what to do. He got out of the car, looked back at someone picking the boy up out of the street, panicked and got back in his car and took off. He didn't know what to do or where to go so he went home in shock and terror over what had just happened. The police found his car, him and arrested him on Manslaughter, attempted manslaughter, careless operation of a vehicle and hit and run. He has been crying since it happened and can't seem to stop.

Even without the looming trial and jail time, I can't imagine that he would ever be the same person again. Just sitting with the knowledge of what he did is enough to change anyone. He was always smiling, laughing and was over all a really good guy. He's never been in trouble with the law and never done a mean thing to anyone. He's a good kid. And that's just it, he may be 22 years old but he is that.... a kid. And his entire life has been ruined over one mistake. He should have been paying more attention to the road. He shouldn't have run away. He shouldn't have or should have done a lot of things. But simply, he panicked. Panic isn't an emotion that does anyone any good. His whole family is so upset. They are going to raise money to get him a lawyer because none of us want to see this good kid end up in jail for the rest of his life over something that was, essentially, an accident. He has never meant harm. His life is going to change anyway and no punishment the law can hand down is going to do anything but add to the punishment he will give himself knowing that he killed that baby. His life will only be made worse by a lengthy prison sentence. I wish there was something I could do...but what can you say to someone?

I am a person who needs to have information to be well informed about what goes on with me. And, let's face it... my body is strange and always making me guess. I could honestly do without all the drama... stupid body. Anyway, I've been doing research regarding the Pyoderma Gangrenosum and other problems that seem to be associated with it. I'm not talking about Wiki searches. I have been looking into case studies regarding the condition and then the experiences that other people with the condition have had. Then there are the side-effects of the effective drug that I'm on to solve that condition to look into. I am having such a good time trying to figure out what's truth in regards to me and what is laying on that border of hypochondriac thinking. 

Just before my last Remicade treatment, I had a few days of my shoulder, knee, hip, wrists, hands and feet joints seize up and freeze. I was almost completely unable to move from weakness and pain. I forced myself to manage my day because I can't not work at the moment. Within an hour of the infusion, nearly all my pain was gone. The treatments are set up to keep the medicine in your system for long periods of time. I started with one, second at 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks and then every 8 weeks. Well on my first round with an 8 week time frame, I pushed it back a week. That's probably the reason for all the muscle and joint weakness/pain. Well it's only been 3.5 weeks since my treatment and I'm starting to have joint pain again. The crazy thing about this pain is that I will wake up one morning with intense pain in one joint or another, it will be nearly all I can concentrate on for roughly two days and then it will go away. And it's without tenderness or any remnants of pain in the area. I have a feeling that by the end of February I am going to be effing miserable. Man oh man do I not want to be. I HATE having to have help from others. 

I'm really only writing about this here because I need to keep some kind of record about this stuff and I know I won't write it down. I won't talk much about it on Facebook because I can't stand to whine for long. And I don't want people to perceive me as one of those that their "issues" are all they are capable of talking about. Based on something that my sister said, I am looking into the possibility of Candida. It's an auto-immune disease that I certainly qualify for based on the symptoms and scoring. However, Candida tends to be present when neutrophils are acting up or not present. Mine are present, just fighting with each other. So I'm not sure of the neutrophils (causing PG) doing what they're doing could/would result in this thing. I am going to bring it up with the MD's that I see at the end of the month, but in the mean time I may try the Candida diet and see if I start to feel better all over. And maybe I can lose weight and get my overall health in better order. I can't get pregnant until I do and I desperately want to be pregnant before 2014. Knowing my history with medical complications, I don't want to add more risk by getting pregnant as an older woman. Although, I have been thinking about passing on my genetics to a child and whether or not that would be irresponsible. I haven't voiced that to Brandon. I guess I probably should though. 

 My mom died yesterday. I know that it's normal to feel numb and any weird range of emotions. I'm sad, guilty, mad, screaming for the unfairness and relieved. That last one took me a few minutes to be able to get out. Everyone came over last night even before she was taken away by the coroner. I wanted them all the just leave and give me time to grieve on my own. Their discussions about what to do with her body and whether or not to donate it to science were steadily pissing me off. 

( Don't read this if the description of a dead body will disturb you. )

I complained about her a lot. I fought with her even more than that. She knew I loved her, but there were times she was convinced that I just didn't like her. And I'm sure there were times when I didn't. But I've always loved her. I always will. When I fought with her, it was because I desperately wanted her to be able to be herself again. I had a hard time accepting that my mothers long-term suffering and pain and illnesses were dominating personality and life. I miss her already. The little things, like saying "she did" instead of "she does" are what are getting to me the most right now. For now, I just needed to get those images out of my system so that I can try to cope with the rest of today. They'll still be there, but hopefully that will help me put them in the back of everything else. 

I had so many ridiculous plans for my time off of school. I'm not even going to rehash them because it makes me sick. I think I am going to always struggle with perpetual laziness. It's not even about what I planned to "do" but other stuff too. I was going to write more. I had alllll these words floating in my head and they never turned into a coherent idea. They still haven't. But seeing as I've been a cranky bitch for more than a month, any form of therapy technique will do right now.

I'm trying not to lose it today. My family is coming over for cabbage for New Year's and I'm so on edge that it won't take much to trigger my bad mood. My dad was even kidding about it this morning and the first words out of my mouth were "Shut the hell up." I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I can't cry. And it's not because I'm necessarily depressed or anything (although that is a small factor). It's more because I'm just so frustrated all the time that I can say and do what I want/need that I want to scream! Discussing meds with my mom alone is enough to make my mostrils start to flare and the hair on my arms stand up. I have to phbysically control myself to keep me from yelling. What a phenomenal way to start off a new year.

Ok, I got one or two things off my chest and I can't think of anything else to write. I don't necessarily feel better but maybe I'll get on the elliptical later and see if that works.

It is *not* a good idea to click the button in settings that allows you to be notified when someone removes you from their friend's list. For the following reasons:

A) You may be shocked at who does
B) You are not going to understand why
C) You don't really want to confront that person and ask them why because you may not want to know the answer
D) Or the answer is simple and then you've made them feel bad for no reason.
E) Stop being such a nosy shithead

I believe I'm starting to lose the ability to sleep. Probably not a good thing. It's 4 am and I've watched tv, tried to read, etc. If the last few weeks is any indication, I know that just laying in bed will not do me any good at all. I am not just tired, I'm freaking exhausted. Just in this little bit, I've had to rearrange two sentences just because they came out backwards. So if this is all misspelled and lacking in sense...shut it.

I got to go to ladies night dinner and coffee tonight. Thank god for Danell. It was good for me to go up there and get hugged and petted and loved on like they meant it. I get the obligatory love here from people. I FEEL it when I get around the people I saw tonight (you know who you are). Unfortunately, for me, getting up there to be around that amazing group of people will have to remain intermittent at best until I'm a bit more stable in my life. Please, oh please, let that be sooner rather than later.

So when I'm awake, sleepy, can't manage to fall asleep and am tired of mindless entertainment...I start to think. I was going through my email, looking at friend requests on facebook and looking at a few old journal entries. The friend requests on facebook...um...they amuse me. The people I've known in the last 6 years or so, I understand. Most of the people on my f-list are friends or family. Then there is the other half of people that I either have barely spoken to in forever or that I went to high school with.

I have blocked out so much of my high school life that I can't believe that anyone from there remembers me. I've had to look at old yearbooks to remember some of them. I don't know why they want to know what's going on with me. I was either invisible, that teacher's kid or the one being stoned daily by the more privileged. Why do they want to be my friends now? I think that maybe some of them don't remember being part of that crowd that used to follow that target I had painted on my back. There are people from that era that are on ALL of the f-lists of the ones on my f-list that I know will never have the brass balls to request a frienship with me in any regard. Whether they still feel the way they did or they are scared that I'll confirm the fears they have that they were so horrible to another human being that it changed that person forever, I don't know. I would like to inflate my ego a bit and believe the latter. It makes me happy that i might have some power over those people.

There was one that I basically blocked from my memory. I had a vague recollection of someone with her name....she sent me an email and apologized for being horrible to me in high school. According to everything she said, it was an isolated incident and she's tortured herself about it for 15 years. I have no reason not to believe her and it takes real guts to be able to apologize to someone like that. I forgave her. I had no reason not to.

But I can't see the others ever doing that. I still remember their names so very well. Shawn Hudson, Tara Jobe, Ashley Haaga, Jennifer Sullivan, Rachel Livingston, Darcy HIcks, Dawn Rivera, Mikey Foucha, etc. You'd think, in 15 years, I'd be able to get over that. But I dont' know that I ever will. Primarily because I am the person I am today, for better or worse, because of their influences on me.

Tonight someone said that I wasn't "sweet" persay, but that I was a good person. Another one said that I would be very sweet were in not for my defense mechanisms. I had to laugh and agree. I'm not a sweet person. I don't think that you can attach the word sweet to a person who is widely known for verbose bluntness regarding another person's character. Those people, those that were considered the upper eschelon in high school are the ones who shaped me into that particular defense mechanism. I think I am making up for lost time in never telling any of them anything I ever thought about them. If given the chance now,  I would like to think I would be able to tell them precisely what they put me through. I would like to make them hurt for me and the person I was then. That sweet and sensitive girl who wanted nothing more than to crawl inside of herself at the thought of being seen in public by any of her peers. The one who cried for those that hurt and that made friends with anyone that would be friends with her. Or tried to at least. I still hate 13-19 year olds. That's just sad.

Facebook just makes me want to ask them why they befriended me to begin with. It was so obvious that most of them wanted nothing to do with me then. So why now? In fact, I'm pretty deleriously tired. Right now may be a perfect time to, at least, make a status message of it.

I've been thinking a lot lately. When I'm done with that, I usually end up thinking some more. In fact, I've avoided coming home from work some nights so that I can drive around and think some more. This is such an unusual practice for me and I'm starting to realize why I avoid it. I think about a problem until I've changed streams to think about another one. I never finish a thought and while that's just one small thing, the longer I go on without coming to a conclusion on one problem, I'm on to a different, usually much darker, place in my head.

I've had so much going on in my head over the last year that I'm unable to articulate it properly for anyone. I'm going to try to write it down. I can't get nearly as sidetracked in the written word as I can verbally. Conversations like that usually end in "Ugh..I don't know." That phrase is driving me insane. Maybe if I can get it all written down, I'll have it organized to a point where I can tell my psychologist what bothers me specifically, or at least with more verbal finesse. We'll see.

I've been avoiding responsibility at all costs lately. Not so much work. I've been doing that. But personal responsibility that does not affect others is a huge roadblock. I stopped going to classes in March. Not because I felt like I had better things to do with my time, but because the very idea of leaving my house to go to UNO was enough to immobilize me. If I changed thoughts to going somewhere other than New Orleans, I was fine and could the leave the house immediately. Well I'm not *as* bad right now, but I still get that anxious, panicky feeling when I consider showing up for one of my classes. I honestly think that it's not as bad now though, because I know that if I did go back, there would be no way on earth to catch up on the reading material, classwork or exams. So the pressure is off.

Well, I like to think the pressure is off. I know I'm going to have to go back next semester. Especially if I want to keep my job. That is assuming that failing this semester won't cost me my job to begin with. I'm just kind of biding my time this week to find that out. If I get rehired at the end of this week, I'm good until Fall. I think changing directions with my degree will help. I made a mistake when I moved over to the English department. I honestly don't give a shit why someone that's been dead for hundreds of years wrote what they wrote. I'm all for Literature and history, but I'm not willing to sit down with a fine-toothed comb and a book and pick up every last nuance, definition, meaning, insinuation or idea behind every single word in it. I'm very happy that certain people are able to do this and masturbate at the same time. I'm definitely not one of them. Sorry, my annoyance over that part of the semester may be visible. Certainly don't want that to happen.

If I lose my job, I have to put up with the part time job a little longer until I can find a full time job to replace them both. On the one hand, I'll only have one job and I would probably end up with health insurance again. Bonus. On the othe rhand, I freaking love my job with UNO. I do. I am already an expert and can only improve that status. That's awesome. I like feeling smarter than everyone else. It gives my ego a well-deserved boost. Especially when we're talking about me knowing more than PhD professors. Granted, it may only be on this one, tiny level...but that's enough. Seriously.

I've been doing a lot of genealogy research lately. Again, actually. I've picked it back up. Everytime I find something new, I am more resolved to dig back into it. I've been updating things that I find on my Facebook, trying to get the rest of my family involved. So far, only one has fallen for it though. I have found some other potential family members through the search function on this website http://www.geni.com so we'll see how that pans out.

There is other stuff floating aound in there, but maybe this was enough to slow my brain down a might so that I can focus on the other stuff.

It amazes me that after all this time, years of going to the space, I still feel that same anxious, excited feeling. I'm bouncy and hyped up and I can't sit still for anything. And I know that if everything works out, the closer I get to the space tonight, the more those feelings will increase.

Wow.