Balancing health and unhealthy states of mind...

[autumnluv143]

I'm always telling people in advice mode that they should tell others how they feel about them or the situation and to be honest about it. But I don't seem to be able to follow my own advice.

Today, I spent almost an hour when I should have been at work, attempting to convince my mother that I don't hate her now, am not going to resent her later and that I don't feel like I take care of her or that she's a burden. I'd like to think that most of that is true most of the time. But if I tell her the truth about how I feel other than in the moment of frustration when I get snippy (that's a very mild way of putting it) with her, she will never tell me the truth about what's going on. I'm just one of those people that feels better having the information around me that I need so that I can judge the situation to my best ability.

Well lucky for me, she got good and drugged up and told me the truth when she wasn't thinking about it. I reminded her that she told me the truth about what the Dr said and she got all worried. My mom had a cat scan last week after a bothersome chest xray. She has pneumonia and that's what the chest xray was for. So the radiologist sees the chest xray and doesn't like it and let's the Dr. know that she should come in for a catscan. She goes in for that and we get a phone call saying that it was inconclusive but that she should make an appointment with the pulmonologist. He gets a hold of the catscan and what she originally told me was that he said he wanted her to have a petscan to find out if the area they were concerned about (only this time they were using the term "mass") was malignant.

The truth I heard yesterday is that the pulmonologist does think it's malignant and that's why he's ordered the petscan. To find out if it's everywhere or just there (and to confirm his suspicions I suppose). I'm not worrying at the moment. I'm good. I am choosing not to see a point in worrying about it until I know for sure. I just hope she tells me the truth.

What I will worry about, once I find out for sure, is that she is going to choose not to do chemo if she has it. Even if she changed her mind, I don't think she would survive it. She's just not in good health.

The good news, according to my mother with the affinity to lie about her health, is that the Dr. says what he sees is operable.

So I guess I'll just wait to see...

Comments

[hisnaughtyangel.livejournal.com]

Good, healing thoughts for Mom, and tight, squishy hugs for you my friend.

It was wonderful to see you again and I hope it's not as rare as those Loch Ness sightings. ;o)

[biteyzombie.livejournal.com]

i can relate to the whole wanting to make informed choices thing. you want to be able to look back on a situation and say, hey, i made the absolute best decision i possibly could given the information available. it's a major kick in the pants when, all of a sudden, you find out that your information was false or that there was some bits and pieces missing. throws off your whole calculation and forces you back to square one.

i wish you and your mom the best and hope that this thing gets sorted out soon. i want to see you happy and smiling and laughing and smothered in friendly hugs and kisses soon.

*hugs*

and you have my number in case you need someone to talk to ;)

{{HUGS}}

[ici1011.livejournal.com]

Your friends are here for you.

As for wanting all information around you, I can relate. Ma'am has been working on that with me for some time. I'm getting better but it's hard. I always want to know what's going on with everyone and everything around me. It allows me to make better plans. I hate the idea of not knowing something. It drives me up the wall.

[beaten-grace.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, I should do a better job of telling you that. Seriously. You've been on my mind because I hear from or about you so rarely.

I understand your fears regarding your mother. My mom has had several health issues in the past few years: recurrence of skin cancer (we're on time 3 or 4 now), suddenly she's diabetic, adventures in lymph nodes, removal of glands, etc. etc. etc. She tends to not tell me anything about any of it until whatever needs to be said and done has been said and done. Maybe it's because she's independent to a fault, maybe it's because I'm so far away, I don't know. The point is I feel out of the loop and helpless. I do have to wonder, though, if she did tell me what was going on all the time, would I feel more responsible for her well being?

I'm gonna tell you something you don't want to hear because, well, it's what I do. Your mother is a grown woman, despite whatever issues she may have, and she is responsible for her. Your job as a daughter is to love her, accept her decisions, and stand behind her. It is also to be responsible for you and your happiness, whatever that means.

Give yourself a break, and take care of you.

And, hey, shout at a sistah once in a while.