Waiting with bated breath
Oct. 31st, 2008 11:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143Because I was trying to spell it correctly, I looked that phrase up. It is entirely appropriate for what is going on right now. I'm almost perched at the door, with bated breath. My mother had an appointment this morning to find out the results of her pet scan and also to dicuss with her PCP the blackouts she's still having. They are now thinking it may be seizures. She didn't want me to go with her and I respected that. I know she's going to try to keep whatever the results are from me. But if it is the bad news that we've all been hoping against, but kind of expecting, she won't be able to keep it long. If she stays away from the house much longer, I'll know that it wasn't good. If her face is red when she comes home, I'll probably know too.
Even though she's been preparing everyone else in the world for her death for years now, she's scared to death of dying. And in her mind, lung cancer would be the worst way to go. She still has fresh images in her mind of my grandfather dying of lung cancer in 1975. When she's being logical (which is not exactly my mother's forte), she realizes that the way he died was horrific even for the late 70's. By the time they found the cancer in him, what started out as lung cancer ended with a full body blowout. It had invaded all of his organs, his brain and his bones. The doctors overdosed him on pain meds and my mom was there watching this.
***Right in the middle of this post, she came home. She is benign. She has to go back every three months for a cat scan to watch for any changes in the mass. They said that it is the kind that can turn into cancer, so they are keeping on top of it. The relief gave her a little energy. She came home with bags and candy and vitamins for her grandkids for halloween. So we sat here and talked about her relief and she cried a little, then we talked about her funeral and she cried a little. She said she is going to go take a bath and drug herself up so that she can have a peaceful sleep for the first time in over a month.
Even though she's been preparing everyone else in the world for her death for years now, she's scared to death of dying. And in her mind, lung cancer would be the worst way to go. She still has fresh images in her mind of my grandfather dying of lung cancer in 1975. When she's being logical (which is not exactly my mother's forte), she realizes that the way he died was horrific even for the late 70's. By the time they found the cancer in him, what started out as lung cancer ended with a full body blowout. It had invaded all of his organs, his brain and his bones. The doctors overdosed him on pain meds and my mom was there watching this.
***Right in the middle of this post, she came home. She is benign. She has to go back every three months for a cat scan to watch for any changes in the mass. They said that it is the kind that can turn into cancer, so they are keeping on top of it. The relief gave her a little energy. She came home with bags and candy and vitamins for her grandkids for halloween. So we sat here and talked about her relief and she cried a little, then we talked about her funeral and she cried a little. She said she is going to go take a bath and drug herself up so that she can have a peaceful sleep for the first time in over a month.
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Date: 2008-10-31 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-31 07:44 pm (UTC)Sending you and Mom many hugs.
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Date: 2008-10-31 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-04 07:31 pm (UTC)Fear can be more debilitating than pain.
Lovely page design.
Thanks for the phrase. I looked it up, too, as I thought the spelling was wrong. You got it right. Damned old English smartypants.
Thinking good thoughts your way.