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[autumnluv143]

I felt so irresistibly drawn to writing tonight. I'm so emotionally spent that I'm hoping this random wireless will hold up long enough for me to write until I'm totally exhausted or run out of shit to babble about. Here's to hoping I guess. I actually pulled off the highway on my way home and stopped at the Mandeville lakefront because I had so much going through my mind that I didn't trust myself to drive without clearing it a little. That's just sick. I have to stop that kind of behavior soon.

I've been daydreaming a lot lately. I can't even tell you what about because I'm unable to hold on to most of it. I don't get the idea that it's all bad though. Some of it just...is. In the last 2 days or so, I've been thinking quite about my friend with cancer. What little I've heard about pancreatic cancer, it's not good news. He said that it was pretty advanced and seemed determined to put up a fight. I am so glad about that. But still, I haven't had any contact with him since New Year's Eve when he told me. That has me worried because I know he had an appointment with an oncologist not long after. I hope I hear from him soon.

I've been thinking about taking up more emotional writing again, like I have in the past with my private stuff. The only major problem I see with that is that I may become desensitized in a way because of all the required writing I'm going to have to do this semester to survive the three English and one history course I'm taking. We'll see I guess.

I've been talking to Shi a bit now that she finally made contact with me in November. I'm glad to have her back and I talk to her when she calls or leaves me a message. But...It's hard to talk to her most of the time. I don't mean that it's hard because I don't think she understands me anymore. I mean that I want to be excited when she is and I want to become more emotionally involved in the things she says, but I'm hesitant. I guess it wouldn't take Freud to figure out why I'm feeling that way or why I haven't managed to put her new phone number in my phone either. She has the power to destroy me if she wants to. She nearly did the last time. I'm not sure how comfortable I am giving that power to her again. It really sucks though because she's still my best friend in most ways and I still love her more than myself. I'm just not sure how to manage that and the trust that's missing now. I'm working on it though. We don't talk about it, but she knows she's on probation I guess. We had a long conversation about that after our first phone conversation in 11 months. I don't really want to talk about it though. We said what we needed to say and I didn't hold anything back then. But if I keep harping on it, will she get stressed over it and figure it's not worth it. I can't do that to myself. So I'll keep attempting to let her in more and more until we're fairly normal again.

Lately I feel like I’m on the brink of polar opposite emotions. I’m reclusive and antisocial, to a point of loathing the idea of conversations, and craving my friends and a good time just being with them and around them and feeling that warmth I feel when I’m with them. I feel happy and sad about things…sometimes the same thing. I love myself with a passion and despise myself in a way that would disturb most. And when I run over these thoughts with a comb, I can’t seem to figure them out. There is very little grey area with them either. So I don’t know how to overcome one to get on with the other. I think the weirdest part of this is that as extreme as some of the things I’m feeling are, I am relatively apathetic about everything. I start to feel that pique of anger, excitement or even sadness and then it dissipates quickly. I’m left feeling…unsatisfied is the only word that comes to mind. I almost had myself talked into getting my tattoo touched up on Sat. night instead of facing the idea of going home and crawling under the covers in a corner. Or even a new tattoo to make the adrenaline pump just a tad. That idea is still floating in there. I am going Tuesday. It just remains to be seen whether or not I’m going to get more work or just existing tats worked on.  All of that is because I can’t manage to feel anything specific and I can’t stop feeling everything all the time. I don’t know, maybe it’s about getting to feel one thing so strongly that I can manage to feel other things better. Or at all. *shrugs* This isn’t even anything I’m overly concerned about. Just stuff I’ve been musing over the last couple of days.

Maybe once I get the crazed emotional weirdness a little better organized I can focus on what it will take for me to make myself happy. Then again maybe not, because this may be the 4968441684 time I’ve had that thought and maybe even written about it. Maybe I’m just never going to emotionally stable and I need to figure out an alternative route. Meh…whatever.

I had Netflix send me Imitation of Life. I was hoping that might be a decent surrogate for a good tear fest at the club I knew I was going to be missing on Sat. I cried. For 10 seconds. It was great…*cough* First of all, it was the wrong version. I wanted the later version of the movie because the end of it was so drawn out that it was emotionally exhausting to sit and get deeply involved with the movie. Second thing is that I was trying to watch it at work and kept getting distracted by fucking customers. Like they have a right to come in there and demand that I do something for them. Bastards. I even got interrupted twice while the woman was dying. Third, that movie just isn’t the same without Mahalia Jackson singing in it. And it was a shorter version of the girl throwing herself upon the casket. Boooo. I demand more devastation if you’re going to kill your mother by denying your race and her too. So all in all, it didn’t do the job I was looking for it to do. *le sigh*

So I’ll try again. A different route maybe. I’m at a loss for what else I could manage to do to get things in order. I would suggest counseling to myself, but I haven’t any health insurance. If I did, I would be an endocrinologist to try to discover why I’m acting like I have my period (sans ovulation) whenever I’m aroused. Ever since I noticed it several years ago, it’s gotten increasingly worse and annoying at the same time. Last night I was in bed just THINKING about sex (the really fucking hot kind that I’ve not managed to have yet. Fantasy stuff) and today a portion of my uterus landed. Why? Because I’m all fucked up. Gotta love someone who is trying to right themselves emotionally and can’t because her hormones are whacked. That might be an underlying reason why I chose celibacy. I despise the thought of bleeding on my sexual partner because he said the wrong thing. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but that just seems wrong. And unnecessary. But maybe I’m crazy. *blinks*

 

Ok, I have to get I guess. Not that I’m so sure someone would notice if I were gone until 1am, but I can’t see me doing myself any good by just sitting here at the lakefront staring at nothing at all. It’s not like sitting and thinking will accomplish anything because it’s all jumbled up. The writing has helped a tad I guess. I’m able to concentrate on physical things now. I’m seeing other cars and I can feel a pain in my shoulder from sitting in this position with my laptop. This must be good news.

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