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Apr. 24th, 2005 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143Ok, so I went to the ER tonight for what I thought was a spider bite on my finger. It started when I was in Denver and steadily got worse. Well when I got there, I was shocked to find out I had a fever, elevated blood pressure and heart rate. Turns out it's a staph infection. So now on each hand I have a gimpy bird finger. People think I'm walking around flipping them off constantly. It's not helping with my typing skills. That's all being taken care of....
So...I've been talking to Him for about three and a half months and well..I'm attached. Duh. Any good Dom will do that to a girl. I've been trying to ignore all those feelings of wanting to back away because I don't trust my own heart. He makes me not want to. Tonight I got a bad feeling of being too attached. I know it's me. He's given me no indication of that at all..if anything, He's done the opposite. I had a mini panic feeling that if I don't get to say goodnight to Him, I might not be able to sleep. Had to nearly slap myself upside the head because, well..that's just silly. At the same time, it's not. I want to service Him..to be His. I know this is still a ways off and I'm ok with that. I'm caught up in that turmoil. I'm excited about even the thought of Him and kneeling at His feet...yet...at the same time I'm scared shitless of how i'm going to react once I get there and can actually do that. He has me..there is no doubt. I have put my faith into the fact that He will use me and care for me, and guide me...but not hurt me. The old me is still coming to visit though. I get that little voice in the back of my head saying things like "What if He gets bored with you?" and a bunch of other "What if..." questions. I really need to stop that. I will never know unless I trust this greater feeling inside of me that He is right. Better yet, that I would be able to service Him and make Him happy and vice versa. We are still at that stage that He's confident enough to know what He wants and needs from this and trying to convince me by making it all about me. The confidence that i can serve Him the way He needs is still not 100%. It's getting there. I do trust Him...now i just have to trust myself...
So...I've been talking to Him for about three and a half months and well..I'm attached. Duh. Any good Dom will do that to a girl. I've been trying to ignore all those feelings of wanting to back away because I don't trust my own heart. He makes me not want to. Tonight I got a bad feeling of being too attached. I know it's me. He's given me no indication of that at all..if anything, He's done the opposite. I had a mini panic feeling that if I don't get to say goodnight to Him, I might not be able to sleep. Had to nearly slap myself upside the head because, well..that's just silly. At the same time, it's not. I want to service Him..to be His. I know this is still a ways off and I'm ok with that. I'm caught up in that turmoil. I'm excited about even the thought of Him and kneeling at His feet...yet...at the same time I'm scared shitless of how i'm going to react once I get there and can actually do that. He has me..there is no doubt. I have put my faith into the fact that He will use me and care for me, and guide me...but not hurt me. The old me is still coming to visit though. I get that little voice in the back of my head saying things like "What if He gets bored with you?" and a bunch of other "What if..." questions. I really need to stop that. I will never know unless I trust this greater feeling inside of me that He is right. Better yet, that I would be able to service Him and make Him happy and vice versa. We are still at that stage that He's confident enough to know what He wants and needs from this and trying to convince me by making it all about me. The confidence that i can serve Him the way He needs is still not 100%. It's getting there. I do trust Him...now i just have to trust myself...
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Date: 2005-04-25 01:59 pm (UTC)That shit's BAAAAAD.
Also, who's this guy, damnit! :-P
no subject
Date: 2005-04-25 07:07 pm (UTC)why do you want to know so bad?
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Date: 2005-04-26 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-26 11:03 am (UTC)