My account still exists
Apr. 28th, 2009 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143I've been thinking a lot lately. When I'm done with that, I usually end up thinking some more. In fact, I've avoided coming home from work some nights so that I can drive around and think some more. This is such an unusual practice for me and I'm starting to realize why I avoid it. I think about a problem until I've changed streams to think about another one. I never finish a thought and while that's just one small thing, the longer I go on without coming to a conclusion on one problem, I'm on to a different, usually much darker, place in my head.
I've had so much going on in my head over the last year that I'm unable to articulate it properly for anyone. I'm going to try to write it down. I can't get nearly as sidetracked in the written word as I can verbally. Conversations like that usually end in "Ugh..I don't know." That phrase is driving me insane. Maybe if I can get it all written down, I'll have it organized to a point where I can tell my psychologist what bothers me specifically, or at least with more verbal finesse. We'll see.
I've been avoiding responsibility at all costs lately. Not so much work. I've been doing that. But personal responsibility that does not affect others is a huge roadblock. I stopped going to classes in March. Not because I felt like I had better things to do with my time, but because the very idea of leaving my house to go to UNO was enough to immobilize me. If I changed thoughts to going somewhere other than New Orleans, I was fine and could the leave the house immediately. Well I'm not *as* bad right now, but I still get that anxious, panicky feeling when I consider showing up for one of my classes. I honestly think that it's not as bad now though, because I know that if I did go back, there would be no way on earth to catch up on the reading material, classwork or exams. So the pressure is off.
Well, I like to think the pressure is off. I know I'm going to have to go back next semester. Especially if I want to keep my job. That is assuming that failing this semester won't cost me my job to begin with. I'm just kind of biding my time this week to find that out. If I get rehired at the end of this week, I'm good until Fall. I think changing directions with my degree will help. I made a mistake when I moved over to the English department. I honestly don't give a shit why someone that's been dead for hundreds of years wrote what they wrote. I'm all for Literature and history, but I'm not willing to sit down with a fine-toothed comb and a book and pick up every last nuance, definition, meaning, insinuation or idea behind every single word in it. I'm very happy that certain people are able to do this and masturbate at the same time. I'm definitely not one of them. Sorry, my annoyance over that part of the semester may be visible. Certainly don't want that to happen.
If I lose my job, I have to put up with the part time job a little longer until I can find a full time job to replace them both. On the one hand, I'll only have one job and I would probably end up with health insurance again. Bonus. On the othe rhand, I freaking love my job with UNO. I do. I am already an expert and can only improve that status. That's awesome. I like feeling smarter than everyone else. It gives my ego a well-deserved boost. Especially when we're talking about me knowing more than PhD professors. Granted, it may only be on this one, tiny level...but that's enough. Seriously.
I've been doing a lot of genealogy research lately. Again, actually. I've picked it back up. Everytime I find something new, I am more resolved to dig back into it. I've been updating things that I find on my Facebook, trying to get the rest of my family involved. So far, only one has fallen for it though. I have found some other potential family members through the search function on this website http://www.geni.com so we'll see how that pans out.
There is other stuff floating aound in there, but maybe this was enough to slow my brain down a might so that I can focus on the other stuff.
I've had so much going on in my head over the last year that I'm unable to articulate it properly for anyone. I'm going to try to write it down. I can't get nearly as sidetracked in the written word as I can verbally. Conversations like that usually end in "Ugh..I don't know." That phrase is driving me insane. Maybe if I can get it all written down, I'll have it organized to a point where I can tell my psychologist what bothers me specifically, or at least with more verbal finesse. We'll see.
I've been avoiding responsibility at all costs lately. Not so much work. I've been doing that. But personal responsibility that does not affect others is a huge roadblock. I stopped going to classes in March. Not because I felt like I had better things to do with my time, but because the very idea of leaving my house to go to UNO was enough to immobilize me. If I changed thoughts to going somewhere other than New Orleans, I was fine and could the leave the house immediately. Well I'm not *as* bad right now, but I still get that anxious, panicky feeling when I consider showing up for one of my classes. I honestly think that it's not as bad now though, because I know that if I did go back, there would be no way on earth to catch up on the reading material, classwork or exams. So the pressure is off.
Well, I like to think the pressure is off. I know I'm going to have to go back next semester. Especially if I want to keep my job. That is assuming that failing this semester won't cost me my job to begin with. I'm just kind of biding my time this week to find that out. If I get rehired at the end of this week, I'm good until Fall. I think changing directions with my degree will help. I made a mistake when I moved over to the English department. I honestly don't give a shit why someone that's been dead for hundreds of years wrote what they wrote. I'm all for Literature and history, but I'm not willing to sit down with a fine-toothed comb and a book and pick up every last nuance, definition, meaning, insinuation or idea behind every single word in it. I'm very happy that certain people are able to do this and masturbate at the same time. I'm definitely not one of them. Sorry, my annoyance over that part of the semester may be visible. Certainly don't want that to happen.
If I lose my job, I have to put up with the part time job a little longer until I can find a full time job to replace them both. On the one hand, I'll only have one job and I would probably end up with health insurance again. Bonus. On the othe rhand, I freaking love my job with UNO. I do. I am already an expert and can only improve that status. That's awesome. I like feeling smarter than everyone else. It gives my ego a well-deserved boost. Especially when we're talking about me knowing more than PhD professors. Granted, it may only be on this one, tiny level...but that's enough. Seriously.
I've been doing a lot of genealogy research lately. Again, actually. I've picked it back up. Everytime I find something new, I am more resolved to dig back into it. I've been updating things that I find on my Facebook, trying to get the rest of my family involved. So far, only one has fallen for it though. I have found some other potential family members through the search function on this website http://www.geni.com so we'll see how that pans out.
There is other stuff floating aound in there, but maybe this was enough to slow my brain down a might so that I can focus on the other stuff.
