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autumnluv143I believe I'm starting to lose the ability to sleep. Probably not a good thing. It's 4 am and I've watched tv, tried to read, etc. If the last few weeks is any indication, I know that just laying in bed will not do me any good at all. I am not just tired, I'm freaking exhausted. Just in this little bit, I've had to rearrange two sentences just because they came out backwards. So if this is all misspelled and lacking in sense...shut it.
I got to go to ladies night dinner and coffee tonight. Thank god for Danell. It was good for me to go up there and get hugged and petted and loved on like they meant it. I get the obligatory love here from people. I FEEL it when I get around the people I saw tonight (you know who you are). Unfortunately, for me, getting up there to be around that amazing group of people will have to remain intermittent at best until I'm a bit more stable in my life. Please, oh please, let that be sooner rather than later.
So when I'm awake, sleepy, can't manage to fall asleep and am tired of mindless entertainment...I start to think. I was going through my email, looking at friend requests on facebook and looking at a few old journal entries. The friend requests on facebook...um...they amuse me. The people I've known in the last 6 years or so, I understand. Most of the people on my f-list are friends or family. Then there is the other half of people that I either have barely spoken to in forever or that I went to high school with.
I have blocked out so much of my high school life that I can't believe that anyone from there remembers me. I've had to look at old yearbooks to remember some of them. I don't know why they want to know what's going on with me. I was either invisible, that teacher's kid or the one being stoned daily by the more privileged. Why do they want to be my friends now? I think that maybe some of them don't remember being part of that crowd that used to follow that target I had painted on my back. There are people from that era that are on ALL of the f-lists of the ones on my f-list that I know will never have the brass balls to request a frienship with me in any regard. Whether they still feel the way they did or they are scared that I'll confirm the fears they have that they were so horrible to another human being that it changed that person forever, I don't know. I would like to inflate my ego a bit and believe the latter. It makes me happy that i might have some power over those people.
There was one that I basically blocked from my memory. I had a vague recollection of someone with her name....she sent me an email and apologized for being horrible to me in high school. According to everything she said, it was an isolated incident and she's tortured herself about it for 15 years. I have no reason not to believe her and it takes real guts to be able to apologize to someone like that. I forgave her. I had no reason not to.
But I can't see the others ever doing that. I still remember their names so very well. Shawn Hudson, Tara Jobe, Ashley Haaga, Jennifer Sullivan, Rachel Livingston, Darcy HIcks, Dawn Rivera, Mikey Foucha, etc. You'd think, in 15 years, I'd be able to get over that. But I dont' know that I ever will. Primarily because I am the person I am today, for better or worse, because of their influences on me.
Tonight someone said that I wasn't "sweet" persay, but that I was a good person. Another one said that I would be very sweet were in not for my defense mechanisms. I had to laugh and agree. I'm not a sweet person. I don't think that you can attach the word sweet to a person who is widely known for verbose bluntness regarding another person's character. Those people, those that were considered the upper eschelon in high school are the ones who shaped me into that particular defense mechanism. I think I am making up for lost time in never telling any of them anything I ever thought about them. If given the chance now, I would like to think I would be able to tell them precisely what they put me through. I would like to make them hurt for me and the person I was then. That sweet and sensitive girl who wanted nothing more than to crawl inside of herself at the thought of being seen in public by any of her peers. The one who cried for those that hurt and that made friends with anyone that would be friends with her. Or tried to at least. I still hate 13-19 year olds. That's just sad.
Facebook just makes me want to ask them why they befriended me to begin with. It was so obvious that most of them wanted nothing to do with me then. So why now? In fact, I'm pretty deleriously tired. Right now may be a perfect time to, at least, make a status message of it.
I got to go to ladies night dinner and coffee tonight. Thank god for Danell. It was good for me to go up there and get hugged and petted and loved on like they meant it. I get the obligatory love here from people. I FEEL it when I get around the people I saw tonight (you know who you are). Unfortunately, for me, getting up there to be around that amazing group of people will have to remain intermittent at best until I'm a bit more stable in my life. Please, oh please, let that be sooner rather than later.
So when I'm awake, sleepy, can't manage to fall asleep and am tired of mindless entertainment...I start to think. I was going through my email, looking at friend requests on facebook and looking at a few old journal entries. The friend requests on facebook...um...they amuse me. The people I've known in the last 6 years or so, I understand. Most of the people on my f-list are friends or family. Then there is the other half of people that I either have barely spoken to in forever or that I went to high school with.
I have blocked out so much of my high school life that I can't believe that anyone from there remembers me. I've had to look at old yearbooks to remember some of them. I don't know why they want to know what's going on with me. I was either invisible, that teacher's kid or the one being stoned daily by the more privileged. Why do they want to be my friends now? I think that maybe some of them don't remember being part of that crowd that used to follow that target I had painted on my back. There are people from that era that are on ALL of the f-lists of the ones on my f-list that I know will never have the brass balls to request a frienship with me in any regard. Whether they still feel the way they did or they are scared that I'll confirm the fears they have that they were so horrible to another human being that it changed that person forever, I don't know. I would like to inflate my ego a bit and believe the latter. It makes me happy that i might have some power over those people.
There was one that I basically blocked from my memory. I had a vague recollection of someone with her name....she sent me an email and apologized for being horrible to me in high school. According to everything she said, it was an isolated incident and she's tortured herself about it for 15 years. I have no reason not to believe her and it takes real guts to be able to apologize to someone like that. I forgave her. I had no reason not to.
But I can't see the others ever doing that. I still remember their names so very well. Shawn Hudson, Tara Jobe, Ashley Haaga, Jennifer Sullivan, Rachel Livingston, Darcy HIcks, Dawn Rivera, Mikey Foucha, etc. You'd think, in 15 years, I'd be able to get over that. But I dont' know that I ever will. Primarily because I am the person I am today, for better or worse, because of their influences on me.
Tonight someone said that I wasn't "sweet" persay, but that I was a good person. Another one said that I would be very sweet were in not for my defense mechanisms. I had to laugh and agree. I'm not a sweet person. I don't think that you can attach the word sweet to a person who is widely known for verbose bluntness regarding another person's character. Those people, those that were considered the upper eschelon in high school are the ones who shaped me into that particular defense mechanism. I think I am making up for lost time in never telling any of them anything I ever thought about them. If given the chance now, I would like to think I would be able to tell them precisely what they put me through. I would like to make them hurt for me and the person I was then. That sweet and sensitive girl who wanted nothing more than to crawl inside of herself at the thought of being seen in public by any of her peers. The one who cried for those that hurt and that made friends with anyone that would be friends with her. Or tried to at least. I still hate 13-19 year olds. That's just sad.
Facebook just makes me want to ask them why they befriended me to begin with. It was so obvious that most of them wanted nothing to do with me then. So why now? In fact, I'm pretty deleriously tired. Right now may be a perfect time to, at least, make a status message of it.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-02 03:34 am (UTC)As for the lack of sleep - get to the doctor. This is not just unhealthy, it's dangerous.
I know that the You I know is someone I truly love. You are damned sure worth it.