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autumnluv143My livejournal over the years is a testament to just how much time I spent with my mother before she died. It was not always a good time. She was a difficult person and made both of our lives a living hell. I was not always well equipped to handle her or the situation. I am aware of that. That never diminished my love for her. She was my greatest teacher and much of the time, one of my greatest friends. I guess it was just difficult to see that while she was alive. I completely understand her random "I want my mom" statements over the years since my grandmother passed away.
This mother's day was harder than most. It's becoming sore spot for me that I've been unable to conceive a child. I want one so desperately and I don't talk about it much. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to be happy for friends and family who are bringing new life into the world. I'm jealous, sad, and a little angry. I don't feel like that all the time, by any means. I love my life right now. I love my husband and we have a great time together. Nearly all of the time. I'm thankful for that. We talk about kids once in awhile. We don't talk about it all the time because I think that the difficulty of it is making us both a little sad. Understandably.
So this mother's day, I sat around and listened to my neighbors and my friends on facebook and some family talk about their wonderful children and what it was like to bring them into the world. I was missing my mother and I was missing a child I might not ever have. And I don't seem to be able to let it go today. Once I get busy, it will fade away and I'll focus on other things until something else brings it back to mind. Until then I suppose that I'll do like I do all stressful things and ignore it until I'm forced to focus on it. I'm going to put on my professional work smile and pretend like I'm not sad and mournful and then, after awhile, it'll take over my thoughts and I really will be happy again. It's times like this that I love what little self-control I have.
This mother's day was harder than most. It's becoming sore spot for me that I've been unable to conceive a child. I want one so desperately and I don't talk about it much. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to be happy for friends and family who are bringing new life into the world. I'm jealous, sad, and a little angry. I don't feel like that all the time, by any means. I love my life right now. I love my husband and we have a great time together. Nearly all of the time. I'm thankful for that. We talk about kids once in awhile. We don't talk about it all the time because I think that the difficulty of it is making us both a little sad. Understandably.
So this mother's day, I sat around and listened to my neighbors and my friends on facebook and some family talk about their wonderful children and what it was like to bring them into the world. I was missing my mother and I was missing a child I might not ever have. And I don't seem to be able to let it go today. Once I get busy, it will fade away and I'll focus on other things until something else brings it back to mind. Until then I suppose that I'll do like I do all stressful things and ignore it until I'm forced to focus on it. I'm going to put on my professional work smile and pretend like I'm not sad and mournful and then, after awhile, it'll take over my thoughts and I really will be happy again. It's times like this that I love what little self-control I have.
