I'm scared
Jun. 12th, 2014 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143I am not often scared. And this particular fear comes with both a great deal of excitement and a modicum of hope that I am trying to keep at bay. The biggest of my three emotions, however, is fear. I am scared of the what-ifs. I know I can handle it eventually. I've been half-stepping my preparations of the final outcome of this for a long time. But I've never found out for sure because the scared part of me just does not want to know.
And now there's the Bossman. His hope is plastered all over his face, especially when I brought up the upcoming and inevitable reveal of information. His hopes are my biggest fear. What do I do if those hopes are crushed? I know there are other options. I have had years to prep for this. He has only just realized that this is a hope and a dream and while he has known from the beginning that the possible of a negative outcome is there, what will it do to him to have that idea ripped from him so early on in this?
What-ifs are never anyone's favorite part of a thinking process. But fear is something I can usually kind of ignore. I can't rely on my faith as so many do because I'm too bitter to accept anything other than scientific knowledge. Or rather, even the possibility of it. I know that if I don't find out soon, that my chances become smaller as time goes on and other factors come into play. It may be something as simple as needing one simple thing to get everything working. I doubt that. My health problems are innumerable. And each one has to be weighed to see what the possible treatment could be. I am not without hope. Otherwise I wouldn't be going through this. And I want this. I want it so badly that I can taste it. I find it harder to be happy for people who are going through it. I hate certain commercials and I don't want to be that depressive and cynical person.
I will try to push it from my head until I have some actual answers and that may not come for awhile. But when I can't, I'll try not to feel as helpless as I can.
And now there's the Bossman. His hope is plastered all over his face, especially when I brought up the upcoming and inevitable reveal of information. His hopes are my biggest fear. What do I do if those hopes are crushed? I know there are other options. I have had years to prep for this. He has only just realized that this is a hope and a dream and while he has known from the beginning that the possible of a negative outcome is there, what will it do to him to have that idea ripped from him so early on in this?
What-ifs are never anyone's favorite part of a thinking process. But fear is something I can usually kind of ignore. I can't rely on my faith as so many do because I'm too bitter to accept anything other than scientific knowledge. Or rather, even the possibility of it. I know that if I don't find out soon, that my chances become smaller as time goes on and other factors come into play. It may be something as simple as needing one simple thing to get everything working. I doubt that. My health problems are innumerable. And each one has to be weighed to see what the possible treatment could be. I am not without hope. Otherwise I wouldn't be going through this. And I want this. I want it so badly that I can taste it. I find it harder to be happy for people who are going through it. I hate certain commercials and I don't want to be that depressive and cynical person.
I will try to push it from my head until I have some actual answers and that may not come for awhile. But when I can't, I'll try not to feel as helpless as I can.
