(no subject)

[autumnluv143]

Every now and then you have to take a step back and examine your life. You have to decide what makes you do the things you do, say the things you say, etc. If everyone had the ability to do this, and then correct
behaviors that they didn't find particularly appealing about themselves, we'd all be a little more sane and capable of being more tolerant of others.


I find myself watching people who behave badly around others with an incredibly morbid fascination. I'm goofy...I know this. I also am quite aware that I'm loud, abrasive and too obnoxious for the taste of some people. I was recently described by someone as being blunt to the point of not caring whether or not it hurt anyone's feelings. I was offended, but I really couldn't defend myself because, yes, at times, I find myself being that honest with someone who just doesn't have the capacity to realize how others perceive them or how their behavior affects those around them. Unfortunately, I also find that I have a low tolerance for stupidity so I will do this ALOT.

On days like the one I'm having right now, after the rush and craziness of Monday morning is over, and I'm sitting here with nothing major to do but go for a swim inside the murky waters of my own head, I am forced to have to deal with myself and my actions. I had come to the realization years ago (even though i don't always try and actively remedy the situation) that the way I react to other people is all a defense mechanism. I can't say that it's even a defense for myself anymore either. I'm over with..the damage done to me is well set and well defined. This doesn't stop me from trying to improve myself (with thoughts like these for example) but this is not the point. I would like to think that my current defense mechanism is in defense of people that are vulnerable..people that are susceptible to the matters, opinions and attitudes of others.

Anyone that is comfortable putting down a group of people because they find them "weaker" than themselves should be made to realize the effects of their actions. Yes, I'm aware that this isn't always possible. I realize that man, for the most part, thinks of themselves in an egocentric universe. I can even understand the logic. Everyone runs around daily to try and improve the quality of life around them. They are their own God, in a sense. They see the things around them and how it affects them...and what they can do to fix that to make their lives better. I get it. What does that make everyone else to that person? What would your reaction be (and you really have to think about this) if you were suddenly made to realize exactly what your comments and reactions to another person did to them....how they made them feel. Do you have enough confidence in the decent person that you are to believe that you've never said or done something harmful to another soul? And if you have, how bad do you think it really was? And what if you found out that not only was it as bad as you think it could have been...but 10X worse than that? What if you'd found out that you had caused someone to become the darker side of you? The part of your brain that you are ashamed of when you start using it? Everyone has one. You know...that section that you never want people to know just how murky the water really is. The ultimate fear for someone who has a section of the brain like that is that they may accidentally turn someone else into the darkest part of themselves. Would you be able live with that?

Comments

[beaten-grace.livejournal.com]

What does that make everyone else to that person? What would your reaction be (and you really have to think about this) if you were suddenly made to realize exactly what your comments and reactions to another person did to them....how they made them feel.

This is something i carry around with me a lot. It causes me a lot of stress, and a lot of worry. But i do it. i'm terrified of saying something to someone that might make them feel as badly as i have felt. Because i bear the wounds of so many words... It's one of the rocks i need to lay down... eventually.

[kikisub.livejournal.com]

I know people think I'm a Pollyanna and a fool -- and Gods know I have been, more than once. I try to look into people and find good in them -- but you know, I think I can deal with motive-mistaken actions better than I can sheer stupidity or ineptitude, for some reason. Which is backwards, as the first is deliberate and the second is ...well, innate. And motivation hardly makes a difference. After all, a cat run over by accident is still just as dead.

I have done and said things that hurt people, some deliberate, some out of carelessness. I have, in some cases, been privy to the pain I have caused, in intimate detail. In some cases, I have tried to make amends -- and in others, have walked away because my very presence was too painful a reminder or because the person could not move on if I were still there within site or hearing. And believe me, to do that took much more strength than trying to make amends.

I have tried to learn from the pain I have caused. To be more careful of what I say or how I say it. To examine whether trying to make things right would do anything at all to help the situation, or if it was merely my own arrogance in believing that I could undo what I'd done. After all, would I be doing it to help the person, really - or to assuage my own guilt? Hard questions.

I try to use my anger at myself as energy FOR something instead of AGAINST something. I haven't succeeded very often. Some of the pain I have caused has never healed and may never heal. There are still people who will not look at me. That is where the pain is, for me. In the lack of forgiveness. A just punishment, perhaps? And if what I have done has adversely affected the spirit of the person, it is another burden.

BUT, we all have choices. And that includes those who have been hurt. They can choose to move on from the pain and find new life, or they can choose to stew in that pain and allow it to curse them for the rest of their lives. None of us are responsible for what another person chooses to do with their pain. Our responsibility is, when it is within our power, to be sorry for what we have done and make amends or reparations. But what that person chooses to do with that is their task, not ours.

Hate twists the soul. And love heals. Simplistic, yes, but true nevertheless. How often have we seen the families of people who were killed during the commission of a crime become so twisted with hate that they want to be the one who pulls the switch on the killer? And how often have we seen the opposite -- forgiveness offered and accepted and two souls healed in the process?

If a person you have hurt chooses hate or self-destruction or some other darkness of the soul, it is not because of what you did, it is because that was their choice in how to react to what was done. It's a CHOICE. And we all have them, every moment.

For the most part, I do not have regrets. Regrets, like guilt, don't create anything of use. I can't go back and change what was done. None of us can. And permanent penance solves nothing. Mindfulness is the only thing that does.

Just my two cents, sweetie.

With hugs and love,
Dixie

[alvonina.livejournal.com]

I will have to agree with kikisub in this. I too am more or less blunt and at times have crossed that line and have had to apologize to those I have hurt. I have found that I am really good about pushing people away, its a protective mechanism just like you but it sucks in the same way too.

We've all been hurt, we've all made bad choices and have unfortunatly tried to blend in to society at times. We have looked at other people's actions and have tried to meld ours to satisfy their needs and wants.. to mimic.. but that is not who we truely are.

So the trick is.. try to piss off/hurt as least amount of people while maintaining your self image. To be blunt... if you are too weak to rely on other people's opinions to maintain your own self worth.. then what's the point? It is YOUR life not someone else's, NOONE has the right to tell you how to live your life, how to act, what to say/not say... you know? (besides the 'other' relationship)

It's going to suck, you are going to lose friends but you will gain new ones... ones who are stronger than the sheep outside your door and you may find that these new friends are indeed what the doctor ordered. If their will is strong then bluntness won't hurt them, they'll 'get over it' quicker and not take it to heart because deep down, we all know that you are a beautiful, complicated and kick ass woman that I can't wait to talk with again.

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

Extraordinary stuff here, Autumn. You are even more beautiful inside than you are outside.

> their own God, in a sense .... What does that make everyone else to that person?

Depends on the type of God one thinks oneself to be. ;)

The common archetype is me-god, you-ant. I prefer the Buddhist thought, manifested in their greeting, "Namaste," which translates to something like, "The divine/god in me greets the divine/god in you." It is an equal recognition of the other's sacred, natural, holy right to BE in the world.

> is not the point. I would like to think that my current defense mechanism
> is in defense of people that are vulnerable..

FWIW, protecting others who seem to be hurt is another way of taking care of your own past hurts. For a time, it can be easier and more healthy for you to care for your own wounds indirectly by helping others directly.

> What would your reaction be (and you really have to think about this) if
> you were suddenly made to realize exactly what your comments and reactions
> to another person did to them....how they made them feel.

I don't have to imagine. It sucks. I almost never want to make people feel badly. It doesn't suit me and it does very little for the universe as a whole. One of the goals I gave up due to the energy drain of Chronic Fatigue was making everyone around me happier all the time. I realized, as time went by, that, not only is it not possible, but it is not my job. I can be my honest, often sunny self and others can choose to be infected with that or not.

> What if you'd found out that you had caused someone to become the darker
> side of you?

Related to my last sentence above, I cannot make someone be a particular way. To think that is to consider oneself a bit too godly. I don't have that kind of control over others, few people I know do have that kind of actual control and even fewer should have. What we may have is influence. I act, react and live one way. You and I may share experiences and thoughts. I can even command your behavior (lol), but you must decide for yourself whether to take in and become what I suggest and/or model. You decide, based on your background, plans, morals, ethics, etc. whether to obey the Dark Lord and kill the younglings or, to kill the Dark Lord and save the Republic. ;) Your choice, not my command.

> bad do you think it really was? And what if you found out that not only
> was it as bad as you think it could have been...but 10X worse than that?

Oh, God. The couple of times that such has happened remain in my mind. For myself, I accept responsibility for part of the pain, depending on what happened. For instance, my best friend, A, became outraged when I asked my sister -her girlfriend- to help me clean my house as a Christmas gift one year. She was furious that I didn't consider the health constraints caused by my sister's recent car accident. I was shocked and taken aback by her anger. I had not known it was that bad -M had been in many car wrecks before and was continuing her degree program- and, after years of neglect due to CFS, my home desperately needed help in preparation for the family's first baby. I accepted that A was angry, understood from where it came, and apologized for not having been more thoughtful. However, I did not accept responsibility for the depth of her fury. That came from her and had to do with stuff between her and my sister about the accident.

I am confident in my usual positive motives, but know that shit happens and that I have said hurtful things, so I investigate when I'm apprised of a problem. This is the part where you realize the value of Trust. If there is trust and caring in the relationship, those involved can share and discuss a problem, constructively correct damage and move forth with a renewed sense of faith in the strength of the relationship. If the hurt person does not let the person who hurt them know they are hurt, the relationship is troubled and will eventually fail, imho, because without trust, there is nothing. Anything said or done, or not said or done may be construed to have ill-intent.

My forty-five cents. Thanks for the opportunity to prattle on about these deep philosophical matters.

Love you! HUG