Got away with it.
Jun. 4th, 2005 08:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143I'm sitting at work right now and managed to get away with posting here. The computer didn't even realize I made it. Either that or they changed the rules about this website. Either way that's fine with me. I would probably post more often if I could do it from here. Yay for me.
Anyway... this weekend has been hell already and it only started last night. That's ok though. My grandparents called earlier this week and announced that they would be here Thursday for a quick visit. Ok. So we spent a week cleaning the house as if the Pope were coming. The woman is not easy to please. Granted, she's gotten better in her old age, but still. This also meant that the whole family (brother, sister, spouses and children) would be there as well. I didn't realize how cranky I was going to be on Friday afternoon after not getting to sleep and I let them annoy me. This was my fault. Well, in the process of all that happening...I managed to hurt my sister's feelings about something. My brain is still fuzzy, and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure what exactly I said to cause that. She came in and my mom informed me of the problem so I tried talking to her at first. Well that turned in toa screaming match between the two of us and some shit came out that really didn't need to.
She thinks I talk bad about her all the time. She was also under the impression that I purposely didn't invite anyone to her wedding shower. I have no idea where she got that from because that's completely untrue. She honestly believes that I did it on purpose because I hated her back then and didn't want her to have anyone there. I didn't invite anyone because her friends and i had pretty much decided to keep that shower to between us. We wanted it small and informal because there wasn't alot of space to have one and we figured with all the stress behind the wedding in the first place, she wouldn't want all those people there. Then Dale's (her husband) family showed up. I invited her friends, me, my mom and Dale's mom. Dale's mom invited everyone in their family because that's how they do things. It was never a personal vendetta to hurt her. I would never consciously do that. I might say things in the heat of an argument to hurt her, I'll admit that. That's how I am when I'm angry. I know this. She knows this. Shit...everyone knows this. I love my sister and I'm proud of her. I'm proud of everything she does. I am proud of the fact that she's intelligent, funny, beautiful and has a great family. I'm happy for her...even if there is some jealousy mixed in. I don't want the same things she has, but I would like to have what I perceive has the happiness she has. And I would like for us to be closer. No matter what, she is my sister and I can't help but love her.
My dad told me last night after this huge blow-out that my heart is too big for my own good. He said that it's my flaw. I would do anything for anyone in the world without a second thought. Ok..I'm fine with that. Then he said that I take it to the extreme the minute I expect something from someone and they disappoint me. I get hurt in the worst ways and that causes depression and me getting nasty with said person. He also said that everyone felt this way, not just him. Hrm... That gave me something to think about.
I don't even know where my head is right now. I've been typing for hours. First, work emails, then a letter to my sister and now this. My eyes hurt and are bloodshot from crying myself to sleep last night over that fight. I get over fighting with my brother. He's an asshole as a defense mechanism the same way I'm a bitch. My dad even admitted that all 5 of us take pride in our ability to bring someone down verbally. I guess that's the same reason that none of us are physically violent. Who needs to be when you're sarcastically and bitingly witty and eloquent?
On an off note...
I am happy with someone. It's still happiness and still all good..and still going slow enough. No velcro collars allowed. He and I have alot of the same ideas as far as that goes and thank God for that. He encourages me to be submissive. He doesn't walk on eggshells because I have an attitude, He doesn't take it. For that reason, I don't have any interest in showing it to Him. I don't want Him to think I'm a brat (because I'm not). There are just some people that I don't think of as Dominant because they aren't so with me. He does not fall into that category. Yay.
Ok...I'm done. Now I have to go and concentrate on work.
Anyway...
She thinks I talk bad about her all the time. She was also under the impression that I purposely didn't invite anyone to her wedding shower. I have no idea where she got that from because that's completely untrue. She honestly believes that I did it on purpose because I hated her back then and didn't want her to have anyone there. I didn't invite anyone because her friends and i had pretty much decided to keep that shower to between us. We wanted it small and informal because there wasn't alot of space to have one and we figured with all the stress behind the wedding in the first place, she wouldn't want all those people there. Then Dale's (her husband) family showed up. I invited her friends, me, my mom and Dale's mom. Dale's mom invited everyone in their family because that's how they do things. It was never a personal vendetta to hurt her. I would never consciously do that. I might say things in the heat of an argument to hurt her, I'll admit that. That's how I am when I'm angry. I know this. She knows this. Shit...everyone knows this. I love my sister and I'm proud of her. I'm proud of everything she does. I am proud of the fact that she's intelligent, funny, beautiful and has a great family. I'm happy for her...even if there is some jealousy mixed in. I don't want the same things she has, but I would like to have what I perceive has the happiness she has. And I would like for us to be closer. No matter what, she is my sister and I can't help but love her.
My dad told me last night after this huge blow-out that my heart is too big for my own good. He said that it's my flaw. I would do anything for anyone in the world without a second thought. Ok..I'm fine with that. Then he said that I take it to the extreme the minute I expect something from someone and they disappoint me. I get hurt in the worst ways and that causes depression and me getting nasty with said person. He also said that everyone felt this way, not just him. Hrm... That gave me something to think about.
I don't even know where my head is right now. I've been typing for hours. First, work emails, then a letter to my sister and now this. My eyes hurt and are bloodshot from crying myself to sleep last night over that fight. I get over fighting with my brother. He's an asshole as a defense mechanism the same way I'm a bitch. My dad even admitted that all 5 of us take pride in our ability to bring someone down verbally. I guess that's the same reason that none of us are physically violent. Who needs to be when you're sarcastically and bitingly witty and eloquent?
On an off note...
I am happy with someone. It's still happiness and still all good..and still going slow enough. No velcro collars allowed. He and I have alot of the same ideas as far as that goes and thank God for that. He encourages me to be submissive. He doesn't walk on eggshells because I have an attitude, He doesn't take it. For that reason, I don't have any interest in showing it to Him. I don't want Him to think I'm a brat (because I'm not). There are just some people that I don't think of as Dominant because they aren't so with me. He does not fall into that category. Yay.
Ok...I'm done. Now I have to go and concentrate on work.
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Date: 2005-06-04 08:03 am (UTC)Family brings out the worst in all of us.
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Date: 2005-06-04 08:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-04 09:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-04 09:45 am (UTC)And yes... healty expressions of anger are good things.
Back in my days when I went to therapy, my therapist had me list all the words for anger on a continum from least to most. My list started with "annoyed" and ended with "enraged".
"L****," she said, "There's a lower form of anger than just being annoyed. The lowest form of anger can be found in the words *I don't like--"."
She advised me to be more alert to the things I don't like and take action at that point rather than waiting to the point that I had so much emotion invested in them that I couldn't help but explode. When you walk around with that much anger inside, sometimes you find that it gets misdirected and you wind up over-reacting to things that really aren't that big. That's when you wind up saying things and hurting people that you really didn't mean to.
Thought I'd share that, FWIW.
Being an angry person is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to get sick. I struggle with it all the time, some days more than others.
If you change your pattern, though, don't expect people to change theirs and don't expect them to appreciate the new you. Unfortunately the only thing we really have control over is ourselves.. but cutting the wires to some of your hot buttons certainly does feel good.
::uploads a cold washcloth for those eyes::