Time moves on

[autumnluv143]

"Cosmic upheaval is not so moving as a little child pondering the death of a sparrow in the corner of a barn." -- Anouk Aimée (b. 1932), French actor

Life is incredible. I have been sitting here for the last hour or so trying to figure out what's in my head, to begin with, and then how to get it out. There is so much that's been going on, but I've managed to put a form of a filter on my brain. Probably not what I should be doing under the circumstances, but I'm doing it more for someone else's benefit, than my own.

My mother. I've spoken about her several times on here. I know I talked her recently acquired illnesses. She was in the hospital on the 4th because she couldn't breathe. They're not sure what was wrong. The did find a spot on her lung and sent her for a mammogram. Found something abnormal there and sent her for a second one. It turned out to be a cyst with scar tissue, thank god. But that doesn't answer the question about the spot on her lung that really does seem to have appeared there overnight. Her Dr. is a jackass. He feeds her pills and looks concerned about the problems, but you can tell he's the type that the minute he walks out the room, he's forgotten who she is. Blah.

The reason I've put the filter on my brain is because she can't handle freaking anyone out. If I let her know half of what I was feeling about this, she would never tell me another thing. She's already decided that my brother isn't going to be able to handle any of this and my sister freaks out a little when my mom gets sick. So I put on a brave face and nod and ask questions, but my brave little voice never falters. In all honesty, I really am ok. I would like to be more positive and not the the same thing she does. She believes that she won't be around this time next year. I don't want to think that. I want to think that she'll be around in 10 years, but I know that's just not right. She's got too much going on with her.

Right now, my overreacting, loud, obnoxious uncle is blowing every little thing out of proportion and telling everyone she's going to die. I said something to him and he told her that I was very upset and couldn't handle the fact that I think she's going to die. Ok. I don't recall saying that or even thinking that, but sure...why not. She nearly broke down talking to me about that. I  had to make her realize what kind of person her brother really is. He likes to take small incidents and make them the end of the world. I think she finally believed me. I can't stand the thought that she wouldn't be able to tell anyone any of this because she doesn't want to hurt us. Well guess what, Mah, we're going to be hurt if you go no matter what you do to prevent it. I think she's counting on my being a rock for my brother and sister. He's emotionally retarded at times and she's a little neurotic. Not as bad as my brother, noway. She just doesn't handle things well. She's admitted it. If it weren't true, it'd be funny to watch her. When she gets in a tizzy about something she throws her hands up and waves them around with something like "I don't want to hear about that! Ah!"

I love my family.

I don't always love my mother's family. Specifically, I would like to kill her younger sister. She has a crackhead for a daughter, and a fucked up family life. That family produced one normal child and he's got emotional issues from living in that house for too long. Yet, she is going to call the exaggerating brother and her other sister, trying to find out the dirt on my mother. She should be ashamed of herself and the next time she calls my house, I'm going to tell her that. She thinks my mother's health problems all surround the fact that she uses pain killers for....OH NO! pain!!! God forbid that should happen. <sighs> She thinks that because her daughter is a crackhead and not using the crack for..um...medicinal purposes?...That she can dig up dirt on any other person in the family that is having issues. Oh wait, but then again, she doesn't like my mother to begin with. The bitch. <pant pant>

I'm better.

I think I'm done ranting for the moment. I hate going on this long about shit no one really knows anything about but this was seriously a day for all out ranting.

Happy belated black_razor

Happy Birthday to Him. 

Comments

[fake-accent.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't call that ranting, bab'doll. I'd call it rightful. <3

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

Rant on, girl! You're owed. Enjoy.

::hug:: for you, your family and your mom.

FWIW, people with pain seldom get addicted to pain meds. My simple brain explains it like this: the meds are getting used up for their intended purpose and aren't available to f*k with addiction issues. I was on a ton of addictive prescription pain meds for ten years. When the pain lessened, I took less medicine until I didn't need any of it anymore - shortly after S & I got married 3 and a half years ago. I still have some of those meds for flare-ups but haven't taken 'em in probably 2 years.

[autumnluv.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, my mom is addicted. The problem lies in the fact that because of the gastric bypass, she has no stomach acid...nothing to break the pills down. Sometimes they pass right through her so that she needs to take more than one. Sometimes they work just fine. She's formed an addiction to them but, sadly, can not stop taking them because of the pain.

Don't know what to do for her, but there really isn't much I can do.

Thank you Love you.

[quiet-ness.livejournal.com]

Not what I'd call a rant. This is your space... If you need to vent, do so. Glad you were able to let some of the crap out and hope it helped. Sending good woo-woo your way.