Self-image
Jul. 25th, 2005 11:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143I have been having pretty bad self-image problems lately. I'm unhappy with most of what's going on with myself and am currently in the process of trying to change it. It's a slow-moving process...slow to the point of feeling stalled. Still, I'm not giving up, just getting frustrated.
On top of that, He asked for something I was less ready to give now than I would have been 6 months ago. I would have rathered go up there, get naked and risked being sent home than to have to take pictures that I could see of myself and send them to him. I had problems with this for so many reasons.
1)I didn't want to be rejected when I'd finally felt so right about something. It's happened before and while I didn't think he would be the same, the fear was still present. I couldn't go through that. I truly do not want things with him to end. With everyone else it's been a "If it doesn't happen (or if it doesn't work out) I'll be fine. I might be hurt, but I'll be fine." It's not the same with him.
2)I am ok with someone seeing me in real life naked. That doesn't bother me. I think that is mostly because then I don't have to look at myself. I think a horrible punishment would be to have hundreds of pictures taken of me in various positions and be forced to inspect them.
3)I already spent most of this week trying to talk myself into going tubing with the three skinny/gorgeous little girls I work with and some equally as good looking other people that would be in two piece bathing suits and pulling them off well. I was busy all week trying to come up with ideas on how to cover most of this thing (points to rest of body) while knowing full well that no matter how well I covered it...it would still be seen. I got over it and went and didn't have the terrible time I'd talked myself into. I am, however, totally sunburnt today and am regretful of that.
(And the list goes on...)
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly. I think I have a beautiful face (I know...you were thinking the same thing). Most people think I have a beautiful face....except for the hair. I, sadly, am human though. I am afraid of my own faults. Everyone is. Most of my physical faults are quite noticeable.
I will be back to my normal self soon enough. I will possibly write more about this later. I have to get away from it for a minute because as much honesty as I've put into this...it pisses me off that I feel that way. It pisses me off that I care how other's perceive me and basically that's what it all boils down to. At least I don't have this problem all the time. But as with anyone, some days are lower than others.
Blech
On top of that, He asked for something I was less ready to give now than I would have been 6 months ago. I would have rathered go up there, get naked and risked being sent home than to have to take pictures that I could see of myself and send them to him. I had problems with this for so many reasons.
1)I didn't want to be rejected when I'd finally felt so right about something. It's happened before and while I didn't think he would be the same, the fear was still present. I couldn't go through that. I truly do not want things with him to end. With everyone else it's been a "If it doesn't happen (or if it doesn't work out) I'll be fine. I might be hurt, but I'll be fine." It's not the same with him.
2)I am ok with someone seeing me in real life naked. That doesn't bother me. I think that is mostly because then I don't have to look at myself. I think a horrible punishment would be to have hundreds of pictures taken of me in various positions and be forced to inspect them.
3)I already spent most of this week trying to talk myself into going tubing with the three skinny/gorgeous little girls I work with and some equally as good looking other people that would be in two piece bathing suits and pulling them off well. I was busy all week trying to come up with ideas on how to cover most of this thing (points to rest of body) while knowing full well that no matter how well I covered it...it would still be seen. I got over it and went and didn't have the terrible time I'd talked myself into. I am, however, totally sunburnt today and am regretful of that.
(And the list goes on...)
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly. I think I have a beautiful face (I know...you were thinking the same thing). Most people think I have a beautiful face....except for the hair. I, sadly, am human though. I am afraid of my own faults. Everyone is. Most of my physical faults are quite noticeable.
I will be back to my normal self soon enough. I will possibly write more about this later. I have to get away from it for a minute because as much honesty as I've put into this...it pisses me off that I feel that way. It pisses me off that I care how other's perceive me and basically that's what it all boils down to. At least I don't have this problem all the time. But as with anyone, some days are lower than others.
Blech
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 12:08 pm (UTC)i can understand the picture thing completely, i feel the same way, doing it in person is so much more do-able than pictures.
It's hard to remember sometimes that giving up those things that are the hardes are the most important gestures.
Take the pictures, go tubing. i think you're gawjus!
no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 12:40 pm (UTC)To hell with that! I loooooove your hair!
Self-image is a tough thing. I think you're a knockout and love to be around you. Those who don't appreciate your beauty are fools. IMNSHO.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 01:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 01:22 pm (UTC)*hugs*