Old memories

[autumnluv143]

I was sitting, tired but happy, chatting and having a good time when suddenly I was visited by a ghost. It started first when my best friend began to tell me another story about her amazingly bright, stubborn and bad but beautiful little girl. I used to have a daughter. *laffs* At least that's how I felt. For a long time, I refused to believe that when I didn't have her anymore, my life had been torn apart. I actually managed to put that thought out of my mind for several years. My best friends little girl and my Orchid share so many of the same traits it is scary. I managed, yet to put her out of my mind for awhile only to have her picture pop up on my computer when looking for a different one. I usually am able to pass it over, trying with all my effort, to pretend like it didnt' catch my eye. This time...it did. I pressed my mouse in that dreaded double click to enlarge a photograph I never thought would bring on the flood of emotions I had, for the most part, managed to repress successfully. What it is about children that can solicit such emotion from a human being like that I will never understand. I know that if I don't get the opportunity to have children myself, I will feel devastated. I want that feeling again so badly it physically hurts my heart to think about it. I miss her. I have no way of knowing where she is...what is going on in her life...if she is adjusted....or the worst... As I sit here crying, my mind is flooded by a thousand memories that happened from her 2nd birthday to just before her 5th. So many things to happen to one child in such a short amount of time, is inexcusable and if there is never another person on earth that should be gunned down with all the malice she has produced over this child throughout the last 6 years...it should be the whore, Sierra...Orchid's mother. I know that other people in my family feel that our lives were blessed with Orchid...but I just don't know sometimes. Were we? Was she blessed with the time she was with us? What little stability we could offer her? I almost wish we had never met her. I hate myself for thinking that way...
I know in truth that if Orchid showed up on my door I would give my soul to take her in and give her the life that child deserves. I've never met such a force of life. She literally infected everyone she ever came into contact with. She was a virus. No matter how you tried to make yourself immune to her, it was impossible. It was like a defense mechanism. Yet the closer we got to losing her (not that we knew it at the time) as I look back...I could see all of the life draining out of a 4 year old child. How can a faithful, spiritual person explain that with just cause? To know that a child's soul and life is withering before your eyes and you know there is nothing you can do about it. People wonder why I don't find faith in God. I don't see a point. That only makes it harder to understand when the really low down, dirty, bad stuff happens. It's not like she had been killed...that would have been easier. But to know that because of what we couldn't do...she will be irreversibly screwed up for the rest of her life. I'm ashamed. I only hope that any part of that child that we knew that may still exist will cling onto any memory of us and maybe one day show up on our door.

If anyone does read this, don't feel the need to comment on it...I am sure I will repress this again as I've always done. I will be my normal, happy, lovable self. *smiles*