autumnluv143

So, with knowing what I'm going to write about today and watching what I've been writing about (specifically that last post) I fear that I am showing a swing to the unstable side of thinking. Thank God, most of you have met me and have witnessed (within my rantings) how my brain can function.

I'm scared. I was scared 7 months ago when we started talking and got over that. I was scared when I knew those three words were waiting to escape my lips..way before I actually intended on saying them. I was scared when I found out that he felt the same way...I moved past those and remained in good standing and on my own personal Dean's List in the course of "Not running away when being presented to new territory."

This time it's different. I'm not scared of the relationship. Well ok, that's not entirely accurate. I'm not scared of how he feels about me. I am assured everyday and there is very little doubt that he does not earnestly believe what he says. I am scared of her. I am scared of what she could mean to this shaky dynamic that is only barely set. We have not even met and I'm scared. I mean him...I won't meet him until later this year. I know this, I'm ok with it. I'm sure of our relationship. I'm not sure of one thing. I'm not sure of his need to fix things and take in the broken ones.

Is she one of them?

I know she's got issues from past relationships. I can, wholeheartedly, understand that. I want to know her but she doesn't seem to want the same in return. She seems to be talking to be as a task. I don't want to be put up with. It's unsatisfying and wholly unnerving. I am to the point that I've focused on this and nothing else. I fear becoming obsessed with it to the point of doing something I would regret. Maybe she needs to hear that she will be the Alpha girl...maybe she needs to feel more important to cause her to lighten up. I would like to say the same thing about me, and six months ago it was surely that way. Now, I want him to be happy. I've settled into my submission (as much as I can considering the distance). If this is what he wants, it is what I want. I might jerk a little at first, but I'm not being dragged into it and I truly believe that he is worth the effort I'm putting my brain through.

<sighs> Here comes the but....

But, I am starting to feel strained from trying to have conversations with her. She is worried that I will try and get rid of her. It's happened to her before. I, on the other hand, am worried that I will kick in a demented self-defense mechanism and run away to avoid strife (thanks for the new mental image, bondagene). I want to know that everything is going to be ok. I love him enough to give him up. I would be broken, but I'm scared that if I tried to stay and ended up getting booted (not of my own accord) that I would break permanently and I can't stand that thought. My walls are back up and that's now an unwelcome and most uncomfortable feeling.

Now I need to go think about what the hell the rest of this rant was about. I've gone and forgotten.

(wanders away grumbling about scatterbrained idiots...)