My Ego has run amuck...

[autumnluv143]

I've decided to stop writing in this thing knowing that others will see it. It's my journal. Until now, I've been treating it as a bit of ranting space/passe article space. So a warning to you, my friends, from here on out, I'm officially not being considerate of what others think. I know shocker to think that I have in the past, but it's true. There has been PLENTY that I don't write here because there are too many that have access to it. Read it if you want. <shrugs> Not that I think any of you would do this, but don't expect me to respond well to judgment on bad, good, perverse or insane thoughts I might choose to put down on these sad little pages.

 

Last night I went to liz's for her little get together. I was intent upon seeing her and having a good time with good people. That was to take place whether psycho girl showed up or not. She did but we were very "polite" to each other. I wanted to remain that way because there is no way I would personally attack someone in that kind of setting and especially not at a good friend's house.

I was drinking and talking and having a good time when my mood started to change. I knew I was treading the edges of some very dangerous water and I truly believe that I'm one of the few that know how dangerous I can get when I go there, so I opted to leave and go home. The intent was to stick around, get tipsy (at best) and then either sack out at her's or V's house. But no, then my over-exercised brain had to kick in.

There is a certain headspace I go into when I'm like this, only I didn't realize how bad I was getting until I was sitting quietly while playing "hot seat" and realized that I was making actual efforts to maintain my composure. Now I don't mean I was going to go off on any one person in particular or just start ranting. I mean that I was losing tact and the ability to keep my mouth shut and fast. I was not and still am not today willing to suffer the possible consequences for that.

In the past, when this mood has set in firmly and is not willing to budge, I had to sacrifice something of myself in order to feel like I was getting an inch in. Whether it was just a little more of my dignity with the next faceless cock or it was making someone else feel just as bad as I did by using my viperous tongue to lash at their psyche or any other various form of destruction, I always got my fix. Truly it was like being a crack addict. I needed to feel that sting. I needed to know that I was the one in control of others because obviously I was not in control of myself. Many of my friends mistook my actions or moods for depression. Certainly, depression was a  factor in my little world of self-gratification. It was not the cause. The biggest cause was fear. 

Fear is a horrible, nasty little creature that doesn't allow you to see past the one problem. If you are faced with it, you focus on it until it's the only thing you see. Peripheral vision is a non-entity. You begin to obsess. You want to protect that. No one can know about it because then, you become vulnerable. That fear is vulnerable. Anyone wanting to penetrate that fear then becomes the feared person.

Now, I have made significant progress in the last 10  years about these things. I am now more willing to accept that they are just fears and nothing that I can't embrace, accept and face. Unfortunately, it's not easy. Some of them are much larger than others. I don't know that anyone fears gracefully.

The problem for me, right now. The thing I realized last night while babbling to my best friend on the way home is that I am feeling myself back away. I don't like that feeling even more than I don't like the feeling of going forward. I've put myself in quite a bind. Normally, I would like that sort of thing. Ok...scratch that..physically, I would like that sort of thing. I do want things to settle in nicely and be able to have nice, normal little routines. I think the recent development in my relationship with him has caused me to realized bigger fears than that. I've started playing the ultimate of self-loathing, self-doubting fear games...the "What if?" game. On anyone else, this game is pitiful (not that I have pity for them) and sad. On me, however, it's righteous. I deserve this game. I deserve to put myself through hell by examining and re-examining every little aspect of everything and wondering if I am going to be as loved in 6 months or 6 years as I am now. I've justified and rationalized these questions for myself and it's caused me to pull back because I'm not sure I like the look of these answers.

Thank God for reasoning even if the significance of this is heard now and not recognized until much later. I only hope that I am able to close my eyes and breathe a sigh of content once that recognition sets in. Shiloh told me that I basically have three options. 1) I can see everything as wonderful and continue living life with happiness and be all..(hunky-dorey were her exact words, I believe). 2) I can put everything into it and if it doesn't work be devastated but knowledgeable. 3) Walk away and be miserable now and miserable later and always wonder. She also reminded me of some of my own better advice. This is not a decision that she, or anyone else, can make for me. I have to sit down and decide whether or not I A) want to be happy and B) what the best course of action is. I'm not happy with those answers. I never am. No one is.

It sounds like I've already made up my mind, but I don't work like other people. I'm not sure where I'll go. I'm a rash, quick-decision-making asshole most of the time and I really need to put a halt on it. I want to anyway. Then again, I'm not used to taking the hard road. It's too...well..hard.

Eh, end of thought track.  

Comments

Decisions decisions... and entropy

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

I read this and the first thing that came to mind is "The difference between a rut and a grave is a matter of depth..."

You strike me as far too restless of a person to stay in one place for too long. Sometimes you make decisions you regret, learn from them and move on. I think, though that you can go into a decision with your eyes open *and* also limiting the physical and emotional risk you allow to happen. That way you may be sad but not devastated. Anyone that'd insist on total committment on the front end of a relationship is (to my mind) to be viewed with some suspicion. This leaves you open to new areas of openness later on as you grow together.

I know it sounds busywork, but pro-/con- lists do work to the extent that they let you quantify what your risks actually are.

That way when you do make your quick decision you have a better idea of what the landing terrain looks like, no matter where you land.

Unsolicited advice based on experience: For me, it's been better to get hurt and be wiser than to wonder all the rest of my life what could have been. /end unsolicited advice. :P

And My opinion means WHAT to you again? ;)

[wynterkat.livejournal.com]

No matter what I want/can/could/wish I could say... My icon pretty much sums it up. It doesn't matter what I say... nothing is going to change the answer, no matter which answer it is.
All I can do is be here and love you and support you when or how you need it.
I'm glad you got some of this off your chest. But do you feel any better?
I can only hope so...
I'm going to go catch up on my journal now since it's been almost 3 months since I wrote in it ;)

[kikisub.livejournal.com]

Someone once said to me that nothing of value is gained without risk. Sometimes without immense risk. Is it worth it? No one has the answer to that when the decision actually confronts them. It's a toss up.

You know my history well enough to know that it doesn't always work. Was it worth it? I can honestly say that every relationship I have attempted and ...okay, I won't say failed at, although that's what often occurs to me...every relationship I have attempted and lost, has brought me something of importance. Even if all that it brought was the knowledge that I could pick myself up and start over.

Life is for living. It's not for cocooning oneself in some tiny space and existing until the god of death comes knocking. Sure, you'd be safer, but what the hell would you have to think about in the Summerland at the end of the journey?

Every day is a brave new world -- an opportunity to make choices and explore living. Movement is life. Decisions are life. Even pain is life. Fuck the alternative.

By the way, I adore you.

[fake-accent.livejournal.com]

Shit, this is what lj is all about. I will admit that I filter a good bit but that's only because I feel like I'm leading a double life (well, I am). Other than that, I let it all hang out when there's something to be said.