autumnluv143

I acted like a depressed asshole last night. I wrote my entry for yesterday and it set the ball rolling to my thought processes which led me to be curtly quiet and annoyingly sour to anyone involved in my self-defined and self-induced issues. I know he would deny it but Master sounded like he was walking on egg shells in the voice mail he left and later when I did answer the phone. I hate that feeling even more. Do I really seem like the type that will just explode? Or was he doing that to try and make sure he didn't say anything to deepen the mood I was already in?

I feel like an asshole. Even though this feeling should make me work to improve my mood, no...it's made me a little more sour. Ok, so I'm less willing to react badly to a situation, but I can't say much for my auto-response system. It's not really about anyone but myself and I need to work on that. I want both to be left alone to think about it and deal with it and to be pestered with how much I am loved. The latter would bother me more but I would have my feelings hurt if I were just left to be on my own. Then we have the thoughts of "Well if they don't want to talk to me, I'll just stay away!" Those thoughts occur even when I know this is not the case.

Bah

My left shoulder blade to the spine, my left shoulder down to my elbow and my hand are hurting like a bitch today. I know it is that pinched nerve in my back, but I couldn't see myself going to the Chiropractor that often and paying that much money to do it. It's a short term answer for a long term problem. This is going to make me rant about the way I view most Doctors today...

I go into a hospital with major abdominal pains that are sensitive to the touch. They did a CAT scan and while I didn't really expect it to be appendicitis, they could have said something besides "Well it must be some kind of infection." *blinks* Oh? Ya think? An infection? I would have never guessed. Before that I go to a family practioner and say that I think I have a pinched nerve in my back and he gives me a script for muscle relaxers. Ok, thanks. Not what I wanted. I want to not feel that anymore. I don't want to not feel that for a few hours out of the day and then be too lazy to get up and walk from one room to another. I don't want an easy, quick fix. I want the cause taken care of. If you get rid of the cause, you are on your way to fixing the effect. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this.

I want a Doctor to attempt to do something about my nerve. Or my nerves...either one would work. Stress is not what's causing this pinching, this is from scoliosis. Well ok, scoliosis and an already bad nerve from carpal tunnel. Eventually this will work.