Yeah yeah, reflection..blah blah blah
Jan. 1st, 2006 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143This hasn't been the best set of holidays. This was preceeded by a not so very great year. So I'm saying goodbye.
Goodbye to an old life and and old mindset that I can thankfully leave behind me. Hello to new beginnings in a new place and a new headspace. I am determined to find myself. It doesn't matter that I'm in Denver, it matters that I'm on my own. I am finally away from all of my distractions and can focus on what I need to and figure out where I am going and who I am. Until now, I've only allowed myself to know who I let myself be. There is a distinct and dangerous difference.
I got a call last night about 11:15 (after midnight at home). My best friend from home wishing me a Happy New Year. She told me how much she missed me and that it just wasnt the same because I wasn't there. She even offered to buy me a plane ticket home to visit because she needed me. I was so touched. I miss her more than I miss everyone else I think. She was my everything friend. I could stop by her house and hang out if I needed a break. It's easy to take advantage of a friendship like that when you lost parts of it. I don't have those options here. It's hard enough trying to make plans with the few friends I do have up here because they're either busy...or antisocial I guess.
Last year I saw death, destruction, the ending of a wonderful relationship, found out not so good news and some devastating news. I moved far away from everything I know and love for something new, unknown and lacking (because no matter where you go, it's never home). I left behind all my play partners (which makes it very difficult to find a quick release). That part will be good for me though, because I have decided to cleanse the BDSM side of myself as well. I am going to stop playing with anyone because I need release. I am going to try and form a connection with someone. I have been missing my need to serve. It's been missing all this time and I am still searching for what will make me whole.
Last night, I went to the Harbour. I needed to. I needed to get out and not be alone feeling sorry for myself on NYE. I needed to see the friends I have made since I've gotten here and try to make some new ones. Even just try to make some new connections. I don't regret going, I'm happy I did. It just made me even more introspective, but on a more healthy, goal related course. The last two hours I was there, the owner and another Dom asked me questions that most people don't ask me. I think most people just accept what I present to them. I'm funny, intelligent and extremely sarcastic. I'm fun (most of the time). My friends take this and run with it. Very few have ever questioned what goes on in my head in a way that I had no choice but to answer the questions. Well, that changed last night. I don't even like admitting to myself that they pegged me. They told me things that I've been refusing to think about myself. Just from listening to me talk. I left in awe, but I also left scared and knowing I was going in a different direction after that night. I sit here recalling the emotions I felt when I left there and get tears in my eyes.
So I'm not sure where this new year will take me because I am leaving behind my psychic powers. I'm quite sure there will be some extremely unpleasant things happen in my life this year. But, as this is the first new year where I really do feel a cleansing and new beginning, I am determined to follow the course I am setting for myself and try and see some of my new goals through. These are not new years resolutions, they are new life resolutions.
Goodbye to an old life and and old mindset that I can thankfully leave behind me. Hello to new beginnings in a new place and a new headspace. I am determined to find myself. It doesn't matter that I'm in Denver, it matters that I'm on my own. I am finally away from all of my distractions and can focus on what I need to and figure out where I am going and who I am. Until now, I've only allowed myself to know who I let myself be. There is a distinct and dangerous difference.
I got a call last night about 11:15 (after midnight at home). My best friend from home wishing me a Happy New Year. She told me how much she missed me and that it just wasnt the same because I wasn't there. She even offered to buy me a plane ticket home to visit because she needed me. I was so touched. I miss her more than I miss everyone else I think. She was my everything friend. I could stop by her house and hang out if I needed a break. It's easy to take advantage of a friendship like that when you lost parts of it. I don't have those options here. It's hard enough trying to make plans with the few friends I do have up here because they're either busy...or antisocial I guess.
Last year I saw death, destruction, the ending of a wonderful relationship, found out not so good news and some devastating news. I moved far away from everything I know and love for something new, unknown and lacking (because no matter where you go, it's never home). I left behind all my play partners (which makes it very difficult to find a quick release). That part will be good for me though, because I have decided to cleanse the BDSM side of myself as well. I am going to stop playing with anyone because I need release. I am going to try and form a connection with someone. I have been missing my need to serve. It's been missing all this time and I am still searching for what will make me whole.
Last night, I went to the Harbour. I needed to. I needed to get out and not be alone feeling sorry for myself on NYE. I needed to see the friends I have made since I've gotten here and try to make some new ones. Even just try to make some new connections. I don't regret going, I'm happy I did. It just made me even more introspective, but on a more healthy, goal related course. The last two hours I was there, the owner and another Dom asked me questions that most people don't ask me. I think most people just accept what I present to them. I'm funny, intelligent and extremely sarcastic. I'm fun (most of the time). My friends take this and run with it. Very few have ever questioned what goes on in my head in a way that I had no choice but to answer the questions. Well, that changed last night. I don't even like admitting to myself that they pegged me. They told me things that I've been refusing to think about myself. Just from listening to me talk. I left in awe, but I also left scared and knowing I was going in a different direction after that night. I sit here recalling the emotions I felt when I left there and get tears in my eyes.
So I'm not sure where this new year will take me because I am leaving behind my psychic powers. I'm quite sure there will be some extremely unpleasant things happen in my life this year. But, as this is the first new year where I really do feel a cleansing and new beginning, I am determined to follow the course I am setting for myself and try and see some of my new goals through. These are not new years resolutions, they are new life resolutions.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-01 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-02 10:46 am (UTC)I miss you, but you are where you are supposed to be. I'm here, always, with hugs at the ready (Zen hugs though they might be.)
Love and blessings, peaches!
Dixie