Times they are a ch....meh...

[autumnluv143]

Horoscope for Friday, January 06, 2006

Autumn,
Don't expect to be feeling solid or consistent today, for your emotions can rise and fall with unexpected suddenness. Although you can fight these feelings and wind up frustrated, you could also take advantage of them by riding the wave of change. You cannot, however, manage the process; it's a wild ride that requires a light touch and a determined will. Hold on and see where it takes you. It could even be fun.

This message is appearing to me in my cereal bowl, on billboards...everywhere. One of those times I wish I weren't so fucking stubborn.

Horoscope for: Saturday, January 07, 2006

Autumn,
You can be so tough on yourself at times; it's a good thing that you have caring and gentle people who accept you the way you are. Don't brood all alone if you can help it. Others are ready to reassure you that you've got a great deal to offer. Make things easy by starting with the assumption that everything is fine, rather than looking for all that is wrong.

Right, and this is the part where I start to get a little nervous about where I'm getting my horoscopes from. Do they have a permanent thumb on my forehead or something?

Ok, so apparently this making light of things is a bit of a problem and that's what's standing in my way of meeting a great Dom. I've been told that I'm Sammy. I truly hate that. My breathing is sarcastic. I am unapproachable because I am always being sarcastic. Well, you know what? I don't know people who don't have walls.

After NYE, I was almost done talking about myself. But no, then I went to discussion night. I walked in, went to sit towards the back of the room, kind of out of sight and the first thing I'm greeted with is "Oh no, come sit right out here in front, I'm talking about you and using you as an example." Oh...great....she took what we were talking about and turned it into a full on discussion with other people.

Here are the basics:

1. 1. I have walls of insecurity.
2. Unless I let these walls down, I am never going to find a good Dom.
3.  I'm sammy in the eyes of some because I talk about how much pain I can take
4. I'm allergic to being vulnerahle.
5. I am having esteem and confidence issues since I've moved up here because this isn't my home, these aren't my people and no one is my family here.
6. There are other issues that were brought up by me or that I brought up with myself but it boils down to this one...the biggest issue of them all: My biggest fear in life is also my ultimate fantasy. I am scared shitless of being made vulnerable to someone and not to know every minute what they are going to do with it. I want that so badly. I want to learn to be without inhibitions and just to try things without having to examine them.

I've had issues with fear for a long time. I'm sure there's an old post about it somewhere. I fear there for I am human. I fear that I am like everyone else and I also fear that I'm nothing like anyone knows what to do with. Did the people in Louisiana accept what I gave them at face value? I'm sure some of them did. Perhaps they were all too polite to call me on it. Perhaps they figured I would come around on my own. Perhaps some of them remember me vulnerable and would rather play with the other me. I was told that night after discussion, after stopping the woman and telling her that now I don't feel like I can be funny, sarcastic...or even talk much, that I should just be myself.

I AM JUST BEING MYSELF. I never intentionally act in some fashion other than the way I think I should be acting. I don't walk into a lifestyle scene, whether I am looking for something/one or not, and just assume the submissive mindset. That is not who I am. I will let those walls down for someone when that person shows interest in me. That's how I've always been. Yeah, ok, I'm willing to concede that maybe it's why I'm still single. Sure...why not. I dont' put anything past myself. I am funny because I say what's on my mind (most of the time) when it's on my mind. I am blunt. This is an abrasive trait, I know. But I spent WAY too many years without every saying anything that was on my mind and honesty has become the biggest thing in my life.

I don't hate myself. I haven't for a long time. I think I'm rather cool. I have issues with my skin and everything around it right now because I'm not in familiar settings where people have already accepted me for who I am and because I gained 15 pounds since I moved up here. I am starting to lose it now, but unless it's 50 pounds...I'm not going to be happy with that. I never will be. Comes with the territory of being fat. No one is ok that they are fat. I don't care who they are, if they say they are ok with being fat on every level...somewhere they are lying to themselves and/or you.

Ok, I need to go to work and anything after this is just rambling bullshit. I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm ok after two ego shakes in a week.