Time for a good vent

[autumnluv143]

Ok, so I hate me when I'm like this. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hide certain parts of myself out of nothing more than self-preservation. There are two reasons that I've not been involved with anyone in a long time. I can blame it on them not wanting me all I want but it's just not accurate. One reason is that I hide that side of me that's really emotional because when I'm like that it's way too easy for me to get hurt. The other reason is because I don't submit easily. This one has directly to do with the other one. When I do submit and feel right about it, I submit fully.

In the past few weeks I've felt that need coming back strongly. I miss interacting with groups of people as a submissive. It's been a long time since I have and damnit, I want that. I started talking to someone recently and I feel pretty strongly about this being a possibility, even though the situation is not what I could see myself involved in. Because of this, I've opened myself up, without my own consent, on an emotional level and this isn't necessarily a good thing. The major reason is that it's too early. I know it is, but I can't help it. I need this and I want to feel like this is needed. But now I'm jumpy and over-anxious about things that are just silly. I'm finding it hard to be myself because I keep thinking and rethinking everything. How is it possible that I can lose control over myself so quickly? Normally, I would say it's because of him and his personality, but that's not 100% true. Granted, I do want to please him and make him see that him offering a collar of consideration wasn't a bad idea. I just wish i could trust myself more and trust the situation more that it would be good for me.

Oh geez...it's only been a couple of days and this is how I'm thinking already. I need a good slap to put my head right.

I've done enough ranting, maybe I'll expand on this later.

Comments

[deb2some.livejournal.com]

well to me, this sounds very familiar! It is so much better (or so we think) to have the barrier to keep ourselves protected. You know as well as i do, that behind that wall is the same person that we are and want to be and give.

After almost 1 year, knowing i have lost all i was, along comes a phone call "i have someone i want you to talk to - i think he is really great and you two will really like each other".

After a couple weeks of talking i hear the words "i want you to do this for me". i want to cry, i do cry and i run and hide behind my wall. As i hear the words again and again that it is "okay" and "trust me", i give into a very small request.

It is a step, a very small step, and i took it with a lot of tears and still cry over it.

Travel your path - however straight - however rocky, but we must travel the path to make our journey.

Hugs

[kikisub.livejournal.com]

Every step we take is a risk, moving backward is a risk, staying still is a risk. Will we let fear keep us rooted to the spot? Because the barriers are fear. Small steps are at least some movement. No need to run yet. Walk first. Small steps. Slowly.

Will you be worse off if it fails??? Because we can't do anything except cry a little, pick ourselves up, and move on.

Overcome the fear. What is that saying? "Fear is the mind-killer." And it's true. Take the risk. Step out. It's time. With eyes open and back straight and hope.

I love you. I'm 57. If I can do it, you can.

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

What they've said.

We'll be here to comfort and support you regardless of what happens.

::hugs::

submission can be very scary