autumnluv143

In talking to a friend today, I came across the conclusion that I've, perhaps, been too negative for the past several months. I received a relayed message of concern (thanks Min)that I've been unhappy. I would like to be able to say that maybe I'm only feeling the need to post when I'm unhappy, but that's just not true. It's not even that I'm really all that unhappy, I'm just not (to use the word I hate when used to describe me) bubbly like I used to be. I'm more laid back, more dark and more cynical that I am normally.

I tried to think of happy things that I could post about and truly, there is nothing particular that comes to mine. I'm mostly happy at my job, I'm much happier now that Shiloh's job isn't sucking every bit of life from her and the rest of her family straight down the shitter. That gives me more time with her and the rest of them and that's awesome. I have even managed to make some friends out here, at last. I really just don't think happy wittle bunny wunny thoughts anymore (that would have been said in monotone out loud).

I don't think there really is a necessary explanation of this. There are probably several things that have helped to play into it, but nothing really that is definitive. I'm far away from home...I'm living by myself for the first time ever...I'm incredibly poor beyond imagination...and I haven't had my ass beaten in coming up on year. I'd say the last is what's keeping me dark and a bit on the bitter side. Over four years, I managed to change my general personality into one with much more energy and excitement because I found a way of getting rid of the stress momentarily to be able to calm myself down and think straight. It's addicting. Anyone who sees a good cry as a release can completely understand how that is. And, unfortunately, self-flagellation is not all it's cracked up to be. Well, I'd be able to better say that, had I ever tried it, but it's not just the pain that causes the release. I can't believe it's been as long as it has and I hate that for me. I'm dealing with it. I'm not really as bad off as I sound in these things...look at how few and between my posts have been in the last 6 months or so. In general, I still laugh and have the need to make other people laugh. I'm still writing, albeit not as much.

I promise, I'm ok. I'm as happy as I can be without the things I've come to know as home about me. I was talking to someone at work today about driving around Denver. I've gotten to know the area pretty well and I still get the feeling now, a year later, that it's a temporary movement around a city that it's home and I'll be going home soon. That's what I always felt like when driving around New Orleans. I knew it well enough and never felt out of place, but it wasn't home. Baton Rouge felt more like home than New Orleans did, but the Northshore was and will always be home.

Autumn is beginning soon, here in Denver. The leaves on certain types of trees are already starting to change colors. I'm happy that I'll be here to see a real autumn. I'll be going up into the mountains a few times to try and take some pictures and really experience autumn for the first time. I can't wait. Perhaps that will bring some peace to my thwarted mind for a time.

Well, that's basically what I wanted to say, I'll save the rest for when I get home and force myself to sit down and write for a bit. Thank you (you know who you are) for being concerned about my happiness. I'm sorry for anyone who has become bored with my constant bitterness. Can't say I'd blame people for not reading these posts. I wouldn't if someone were down constantly, over a long period of time. *shrugs*