Happy New Year to everyone
Jan. 1st, 2007 07:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143Well, this isn't really a New Year type of post...I just needed to write.
I've been in the habit (as usual really) of keeping myself relatively busy with mundane, mindless activity for the purpose of keeping myself from thinking. Today, I guess I couldn't keep myself from it and I came upon a conclusion about myself that I'm sure everyone else that knows me at least partly well already knew about me. I don't think that even if anyone had ever told me anything about this I would have believed them or probably had some written out defense as to how it wasn't true. But it is true. I'm scared to submit.
I know this...I am scared to sit and let myself be controlled. I find it very hard to do it just for "fun" too. I know how I feel about it and I know what I want from it. Unfortunately, I'm so determined and driven to keep myself from getting it just because I'm scared. I don't want to feel that way about anyone because I know the next person I feel that way about isn't going to feel that way about me. Why should I let myself be inevitably hurt over and over again in the hopes of finding one person who is able to give me the things I need/want from life? Why do any of us do it?
Why do we date/submit to/*enter other synonymous action here* people and allow ourselves to get involved with them emotionally just to have it tear us apart later?
I know why. I know it's because we need love. What is the line from "Nature Boy"..The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I need to move beyond this fear I have and let myself love. I need to try and let myself be loved. It's really not going to be easy. Nothing ever is.
I know I'm going to need help with this. Please...if any of you, my friends, see me making the mistake of stepping back from something or not going at it with all of me...stop me and remind me of this. I'm not going to promise that it will work, but I'll know what you're talking about and will know that if I do follow the same route, it's not anyone else's fault but my own.
My New Year's Resolutions are: To work on love. This means loving those around me more and loving myself so that I can be loved. Also this means to allow myself to be loved and try to forcibly keep down those walls...even if only a little. The second resolution is to become more healthy. This has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I'm not going to love myself as long as I'm in the position I'm in.
Wish me luck and I send out a very happy new year to everyone. I hope I see you all soon.
I've been in the habit (as usual really) of keeping myself relatively busy with mundane, mindless activity for the purpose of keeping myself from thinking. Today, I guess I couldn't keep myself from it and I came upon a conclusion about myself that I'm sure everyone else that knows me at least partly well already knew about me. I don't think that even if anyone had ever told me anything about this I would have believed them or probably had some written out defense as to how it wasn't true. But it is true. I'm scared to submit.
I know this...I am scared to sit and let myself be controlled. I find it very hard to do it just for "fun" too. I know how I feel about it and I know what I want from it. Unfortunately, I'm so determined and driven to keep myself from getting it just because I'm scared. I don't want to feel that way about anyone because I know the next person I feel that way about isn't going to feel that way about me. Why should I let myself be inevitably hurt over and over again in the hopes of finding one person who is able to give me the things I need/want from life? Why do any of us do it?
Why do we date/submit to/*enter other synonymous action here* people and allow ourselves to get involved with them emotionally just to have it tear us apart later?
I know why. I know it's because we need love. What is the line from "Nature Boy"..The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I need to move beyond this fear I have and let myself love. I need to try and let myself be loved. It's really not going to be easy. Nothing ever is.
I know I'm going to need help with this. Please...if any of you, my friends, see me making the mistake of stepping back from something or not going at it with all of me...stop me and remind me of this. I'm not going to promise that it will work, but I'll know what you're talking about and will know that if I do follow the same route, it's not anyone else's fault but my own.
My New Year's Resolutions are: To work on love. This means loving those around me more and loving myself so that I can be loved. Also this means to allow myself to be loved and try to forcibly keep down those walls...even if only a little. The second resolution is to become more healthy. This has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I'm not going to love myself as long as I'm in the position I'm in.
Wish me luck and I send out a very happy new year to everyone. I hope I see you all soon.
