Time for a Bitch
May. 1st, 2007 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143Ok, so yeah. I think I have a pretty cool personality. I think others (most at least) would agree with that. I make friends kind of easily and I can get along well enough in the crowd (especially when I'm trying to entertain it). I've decided that I want to become more of the quiet, reserved me and less of the raunchy, loud, abrasive me. Let me explain why....
I am single. God knows I've been single for a very long time now. Even when I was seeing someone I knew I was still single because I was getting involved with guys that were either legally or emotionally unavailable. Poor choices (story of my life). My problem with being single is not that I try to stay that way. I would LOVE to be in a relationship where I can get comfortable enough and trust the person a little to really show who I can be. I am a submissive. There is no question of this in my mind. That is not the case, however, with other people. I don't think that potential Dominants believe that I am not a submissive (well ok, there is the occasional "My Way Is the Only Way" guy who tells me I'm not a true submissive because I don't let them control me as soon as the enter my little online domain <eyeroll>) I know that these Doms think that I'm not their kind of submissive because of the personality I put out there at first. I know...first impressions and the whatnot, but that's not fair. Granted, it's not fair to me and most people don't want to have to work that hard to hopefully get to see what I can offer them. What I hate is when I see these emotionally unstable little girls that know their "I'm helpless and need you to be my Dom and rescue me because I just won't make it on my own" roles better than God knows mysterious ways. I hate that I have to compete with that.
I do realize that finding my inner peace and becoming a more contented person is not the kind of thing I will be able to do on my own. Part of my problem is the same problem with asking for help. I'm incapable of it. I hate the thought of putting someone else out. I never want anyone else to be uncomfortable. On the one hand, this makes me a fantastic friend (at least I think I'm a fantastic friend). On the other hand though, I'm not willing to show submission to those I really really like because what if they don't see me that way? I would make them uncomfortable and I would lose a (potential) friend.
I really shouldn't allow this to bother me so much, but it does. My goal is to, one day, be able to find a contentment with myself that I will be able to move on from that. In the meantime, I'm going to try and become more reserved because otherwise I'm never going to meet someone who's willing to give it a shot.
***Please not that I made not ONE reference or joke about my being fat being the reason I'm single. I'm doing much better about finding the need to joke when I'm serious. It's part of that making people uncomfortable thing that I avoid so well***
I am single. God knows I've been single for a very long time now. Even when I was seeing someone I knew I was still single because I was getting involved with guys that were either legally or emotionally unavailable. Poor choices (story of my life). My problem with being single is not that I try to stay that way. I would LOVE to be in a relationship where I can get comfortable enough and trust the person a little to really show who I can be. I am a submissive. There is no question of this in my mind. That is not the case, however, with other people. I don't think that potential Dominants believe that I am not a submissive (well ok, there is the occasional "My Way Is the Only Way" guy who tells me I'm not a true submissive because I don't let them control me as soon as the enter my little online domain <eyeroll>) I know that these Doms think that I'm not their kind of submissive because of the personality I put out there at first. I know...first impressions and the whatnot, but that's not fair. Granted, it's not fair to me and most people don't want to have to work that hard to hopefully get to see what I can offer them. What I hate is when I see these emotionally unstable little girls that know their "I'm helpless and need you to be my Dom and rescue me because I just won't make it on my own" roles better than God knows mysterious ways. I hate that I have to compete with that.
I do realize that finding my inner peace and becoming a more contented person is not the kind of thing I will be able to do on my own. Part of my problem is the same problem with asking for help. I'm incapable of it. I hate the thought of putting someone else out. I never want anyone else to be uncomfortable. On the one hand, this makes me a fantastic friend (at least I think I'm a fantastic friend). On the other hand though, I'm not willing to show submission to those I really really like because what if they don't see me that way? I would make them uncomfortable and I would lose a (potential) friend.
I really shouldn't allow this to bother me so much, but it does. My goal is to, one day, be able to find a contentment with myself that I will be able to move on from that. In the meantime, I'm going to try and become more reserved because otherwise I'm never going to meet someone who's willing to give it a shot.
***Please not that I made not ONE reference or joke about my being fat being the reason I'm single. I'm doing much better about finding the need to joke when I'm serious. It's part of that making people uncomfortable thing that I avoid so well***
