autumnluv143

So I wrote this letter a minute ago to someone who's been attempting to help me come to something inside my own head recently. I just thought I should also send it out into the world.

Hmmm...Here ya go.

I've been trying to put a finger on what's wrong with me and accepting this situation and I'm still not 100% able to do that. Part of it is that I don't /can't submit. That is not about you (solely...you are a woman and that is hard to do anyway). It's more about the fact that I am not in the frame of mind to submit to anyone. I need to fight. I need to yell and scream. Submitting to the will of someone willing to introduce me to myself isn't allowing that. I've actually been trying not to think of this at all and that's not working either. I think that a decent adrenaline rush would wake my ass up because all I seem to want to do is sleep. Part of that is being down and part of it is being busy.

What do you do in a situation where you know how you need to feel, but not what you want to get you to feel that way? How does one go about exploring their head enough to know what would cause them to react in a particular way, to create a specific reaction...when they've not experienced enough to have had that reaction from another person to begin with? I don't know what wiill bring me to the conclusion I'm seeking. It's not that I haven't tried. I'm trying NOT to think about it, but I still am. I'm sooo tired of examining myself to figure out what will fix the problem. It's just not a day/week/month for self-induced self-reflection.

Reading back, I see that I am open more to you than I am on my own journal. I may repost this there, but it was written to you.

Back to "work" I guess.

Aut