I KNOW!!!

[autumnluv143]

I know that I'm stubborn, I'm an ass, I'm a scaredy-cat and I have issues with myself that prevent me from achieving any of the things I want to achieve.

I stick with what I'm good at?

Unfortunately this is keeping me from being the "h" word. I fight relationships like a WWF death match. I fight authority when all I want/need is that one authoritative man to have me in his grasp. I refuse to look in all mirrors except for the ones to which I've become accustomed. I will let someone take a picture of me with the condition that I never ever look at it ever again. I don't want to see me the way the rest of the world sees me. I'm more scared of that than of dying. Death has never been something that scared me. I'm scared of me. Shitless. Mucho Fearo.

I can't trust someone else with me because I can't trust myself to not change his mind about me by my own self-destructive thoughts and patterns. I can't blame them most of the time either. Sure, it's easier that way but it's really very not true. I hate myself too much to let anyone else love me.

I want a baby. I want a baby so badly that I've woken up from dreams at times just SURE that I was pregnant. Now, even if I had the ability to conceive children easily, I would never trap someone into that. I would make sure it were ok and that it was something that he wanted as well. I couldn't, in good conscience, set up a man to have to deal with me (in any facet) for the rest of his life unless he were willing/able.

To my friend who is concerned:
You can't knock sense into me when I just flat-out refuse to have sense about this matter. I've also realized in 5 years that you can't have self-induced bullshit beat out of you. I'm sorry for disappointing you and I know you are trying to help. I love you for that. What has everyone been telling me for years? BDSM is not therapy.

That's my rant for the moment. I think it was going somewhere else, but I can't help where my brain directs my fingers sometimes and I've lost my train of thought. 15 more minutes and I'm out of work so I guess I should do some more reading itmt.

Comments

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

I don't want to see me the way the rest of the world sees me.

What makes you so certain that you *know* how I or anyone else sees you? You're assuming knowledge you don't have. In fact evidence to the contrary actually exists. There are some bright, loving, wonderful people in your life that think you're terrific.

You can *be* afraid of yourself all on your own. Do not use what you *think* is my voice in the chorus you use to berate yourself. I care. There's nothing you can do to control it. You're just gonna have to live with it.

::hugs::

And yes, believe it or not.. I do know how it feels to be that scared of yourself. Are you open to a kink-friendly therapist on the North shore? I saw her and I think that you two would do good work together if you're able.

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

"What makes you so certain that you *know* how I or anyone else sees you? .... There are some bright, loving, wonderful people in your life that think you're terrific."

Actually, I think that's precisely what she doesn't want to hear or see. She doesn't *want* to accept her beauty, intelligence, charm and wit. It would hurt, somehow, to truly accept and *know* that people love and appreciate her.

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

When you quote me in this way you're twisting my words to make your point. That was not all of what I said in that paragraph nor is it the precise thrust of the comment. Please don't do that again.

I sense that Autumn does want to embrace herself, trust herself, and love herself for who she is. He growing discomfort with her inability to do so is exactly what's forcing her inexorably from the comfortably familiar but miserable place she's lived for so long. What she has ahead of her is hugely important. Gaining an ability to trust herself first, an ability to survive hurt, and weather life's injustices.. is the work of a lifetime.

Doing this (or not as she decides) is her work to do. Nobody else gets a vote.

I read your reply to her below. From my perspective it's so loaded with "I know best what you need." and "Let me save you." that it reads almost predatory.

Especially this part "It pisses me off that *you won't* let me help you. I'm thinking of starting a club, The Tall 'little a' Girls, for those who decline my help."

Diana, you are not the solution for every problem you decide you're the solution for. I think your reply below is calculated to try and make Autumn feel guilty about not doing what you want her to do. If she's said "no" to you then it's time for you to just suck it up and live with that and quit circling her like a vulture.

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

I suppose we have an entirely different understanding of the english language because I believe my summary accurately represented the point to which I was responding.

I am disappointed that you so frequently find huge fault with me, and say so with tactless lack of diplomacy.

As I believe you know, the challenge of con/non-con for those watching is knowing what's what. She sought being pushed and I did so. In a challenging situation, I have done my best, including having my own less than perfect emotional response to her.

I believe that, although frustrated and unhappy about all this in general, Autumn -the only one whose opinion matters on this- is okay with me.

I strongly encourage you to carefully consider, re-consider and then re-consider, again, labelling people.

Encourage away, please, but remember you're not my mother..

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

Just because you got called on having your hand in the cookie jar (being coercive and using martyrdom and guilt) to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do. You've been called on it at RSVP by other people and I'm doing it here.

I don't label you. I just say what I see you doing. As for your "less than perfect emotional response"... yes there is plausible deniablity there.

There's a whole bunch of stuff that's been said about you over the years that I hadn't believed totally until I read your post below.

I don't read your journal, Diana, I unfriended you right after you posted your list of what people could get you as gifts more than a year ago.. and you haven't noticed. That's why I had no idea you'd included me in your post until I happened to look today.

Re: Encourage away, please, but remember you're not my mother..

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

Ah, judgemental one, you should have gotten all the facts when I tried to tell you my POV way back when. The local club (one should not put the names of our local club in livejournal) never had anything to say to *me*.

One would think that, after your own club-related distress, you would be more considerate and understanding.

I apologize for seeking your opinion for the scene. It seemed to me that you had showed remarkable insight into the beautiful woman we both know, and I was hoping you might have positive, constructive input.

[deb2some.livejournal.com]

simply, i do know what you mean. i wish i could say the magic words to make you feel better, but as you can tell by my "Rant about Sex" on Sunday night-i have apprehensions about how people see me....you know...

luv ya

[dianagddss.livejournal.com]

What's the 'h' word? Human? Hussy?

It pisses me off that *you won't* let me help you. I'm thinking of starting a club, The Tall 'little a' Girls, for those who decline my help.

It saddens me that *you can't* let me help you.

I have ranted curses so much in my head. You stupid girl (yes, stupid; because you know the truth, but ignore it). You are so very beautiful, and I miss your singing. Shit.

BTW, forest green is a really good color for you.

We all need therapy. Find somebody and get where you need to be.

But, also, autumn, scenes *can* help break walls if you're ready. And, scenes don't have to be impact.

You continue to limit where you can go by *your own* imagination. If you could trust yourself to trust me with creating what you need ... What I kept trying to tell you last night is that an entirely different kind of scene would create some of what you were telling me you needed.

*You've* not figured out how that might happen, so you don't believe it's possible. Stupid.

I think you're afraid that, if someone really does know you, s/he'll hurt you. I think you're afraid that, if you accept that you're wonderful, you might disappoint yourself -and others- at some point.

BFHD! We're all afraid of that stuff.

Agreeing to do this scene was a risk on my part because you didn't want to tell me what you needed. I was only working with what I know about you, what you had already told me, what your friends said and your writings. You don't want a top who knows you, though. You want ones who will correctly guess so you don't have to tell them and watch their faces respond to who you really are.

You could argue that guessing correctly would mean s/he's perfect for you. I believe it means the top was lucky and that you don't want to be self-realized and mature enough to accept who you are, and love yourself for what you want and need.

If you're not able to be who you are, and love yourself enough to state what you need, that one-time right-guess will fizzle out eventually. It takes faithful communication and trusting self-examination to forge a lasting, good-for-you relationship.

It's ridiculous for a strong, courageous woman like you to hide behind fears of herself. Come out, girl (no, I don't mean 'of the closet' to your family)! Come out, right now, goddammit! Face you! Love you! Goddammit, you know better! Be free, you fucking cunt!

I love you, stupid bitch. I'm your friend.

[deb2some.livejournal.com]

As I have said time and time again, go with your gut. If something does not feel quite right about people, places, things, scenes, relationships, etc – you are in control.

You are not ready for what you are not ready for! Period! You need to look out for what is in your best interest emotionally and physically.

Inappropriate assertiveness for a scene does not mean that the scene is going to work. Remember this is all for fun not therapy!

You are still in control of what you want to do.

If you want to get some professional assistance in some of your decisions that you make and why you make them, then please contact some of us that have the names of people that can help.

I don’t have the answers but I still have my gut instincts.