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autumnluv143Wow. And I'll say that again....wow. If I needed a slap to the face that I am loved and cared about, I most certainly got it.
sq: Thank you. You continue to prove to me that you know me better than I think you do. I know that you are only taking what I put out and observing me and that's an amazing talent. You have been right about so many things that you've advised me on. Again, thank you.
dg: You have been a good friend to me for a long time. I appreciate you more than you know. Your words to me are not unheard and I know where they come from inside of you. I know that you would never intentionally give me information or advice that would harm me. You've been there for me when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. Thank you so much for that.
Now, a response in general:
When I started all of this inquiry and probe, yes there was something behind it. I'm not very good at asking for what I need (something I should work on). I was in need of something in me that I wasn't very successful in expressing. That is my fault. In dg's defense, at some point I did tell her that I would not give in easily and that I would not submit, but that I needed to be tied up and just left...maybe with some sensory deprivation involved. That was what I wanted initially and that was all I wanted. While trying to feel me out for this, she was forming something in her head in the way of a scene that I was not expecting and DID NOT fully articulate that I wasn't looking for. That was my fault, not hers.
Her pushing me was truly what she thought I was looking to have happen. Unfortunately, she did not realize that I had made up my mind and *I'm* like a mountain when I do so. I tried in various ways to let her know that I just wasn't feeling the things she was trying to plan out and I didn't want to get myself involved with it. I never came right out and said just that. Even if I had, she may still have thought it was her job to push me.
On the other hand, I'm very much not right in my own head right now. I'm pretty sure that this is obvious and needs no further elaboration. I'm getting much better than I was a week ago. I go through this. It's part of my process. This time, however, I allowed myself to say yes to something that I was not ok with. I did not want to be pushed into something and the reaction I got from the situation when I did back out and try to explain was not what I was expecting. I expected disappointment, maybe a little bit of the "are you sure? something I can change your mind about?" but I did not expect anger, the general response that I did receive and I most certainly did not expect a debate to erupt. Dg does tend to think that she can fix things and it does mess with her psyche when she can't or won't be allowed to try. I'm sorry for that but I do need to own my own issues and fix them.
Had this happened a couple of years ago, I would have let the thing happen even if I didn't want it to. I've certainly been known to do worse. But I think that sq is right in that I'm feeling differently about myself these days. If that's what it takes to make me change the things I don't like, then so be it. All I ask is that my friends be there to support me through my little..erm...episodes? You always have.
sq: Thank you. You continue to prove to me that you know me better than I think you do. I know that you are only taking what I put out and observing me and that's an amazing talent. You have been right about so many things that you've advised me on. Again, thank you.
dg: You have been a good friend to me for a long time. I appreciate you more than you know. Your words to me are not unheard and I know where they come from inside of you. I know that you would never intentionally give me information or advice that would harm me. You've been there for me when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. Thank you so much for that.
Now, a response in general:
When I started all of this inquiry and probe, yes there was something behind it. I'm not very good at asking for what I need (something I should work on). I was in need of something in me that I wasn't very successful in expressing. That is my fault. In dg's defense, at some point I did tell her that I would not give in easily and that I would not submit, but that I needed to be tied up and just left...maybe with some sensory deprivation involved. That was what I wanted initially and that was all I wanted. While trying to feel me out for this, she was forming something in her head in the way of a scene that I was not expecting and DID NOT fully articulate that I wasn't looking for. That was my fault, not hers.
Her pushing me was truly what she thought I was looking to have happen. Unfortunately, she did not realize that I had made up my mind and *I'm* like a mountain when I do so. I tried in various ways to let her know that I just wasn't feeling the things she was trying to plan out and I didn't want to get myself involved with it. I never came right out and said just that. Even if I had, she may still have thought it was her job to push me.
On the other hand, I'm very much not right in my own head right now. I'm pretty sure that this is obvious and needs no further elaboration. I'm getting much better than I was a week ago. I go through this. It's part of my process. This time, however, I allowed myself to say yes to something that I was not ok with. I did not want to be pushed into something and the reaction I got from the situation when I did back out and try to explain was not what I was expecting. I expected disappointment, maybe a little bit of the "are you sure? something I can change your mind about?" but I did not expect anger, the general response that I did receive and I most certainly did not expect a debate to erupt. Dg does tend to think that she can fix things and it does mess with her psyche when she can't or won't be allowed to try. I'm sorry for that but I do need to own my own issues and fix them.
Had this happened a couple of years ago, I would have let the thing happen even if I didn't want it to. I've certainly been known to do worse. But I think that sq is right in that I'm feeling differently about myself these days. If that's what it takes to make me change the things I don't like, then so be it. All I ask is that my friends be there to support me through my little..erm...episodes? You always have.
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From the for what it is worth department....
Date: 2007-06-21 11:39 pm (UTC)You are right about something else too. There are a lot of people here who will let you be you, find your own way and respect you for the efforts of your journey.
Good luck on it.