I must be a lesbian.
Aug. 24th, 2007 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
autumnluv143And I'm not really submissive.
And I'm an anti-feminist.
Wouldn't I just be happier if...
You would be so much happier....
Why don't you just try...
Have you thought about......
If you need someone to talk to.....
Anyway, my frustration actually lies within myself. Apparently there is something that I'm doing or not doing that is sending out these vibrations and impressions and I would really like to know what they are. I'm in need of an internal/mental/emotional makeover.
I keep getting distracted by work and that makes me think I'm rambling. I probably am. Also, it's probably a sign that I actually said I'm getting distracted by work while I'm illegally posting at work on my personal journal instead of working on my honey-do list from the managers.
Bah...Back to it.
And I'm an anti-feminist.
Wouldn't I just be happier if...
You would be so much happier....
Why don't you just try...
Have you thought about......
If you need someone to talk to.....
I love my family and friends and I care about (on some level) most of the people I know that are not friends. It's what I do. I'm good at caring. I'm good at wholly (is that a word?) loving those that are willing to be loved (yes, Paul...even if I am a Hater!)....but...
I love getting advice from my family and friends because I know it's showing that they care about my health and well-being. This is a warm fuzzy feeling....most of the time.
I don't walk around in a dark cloud mixed with contempt for the world and depression. I may be cynical most of the time because most of the time I'm not thinking about it. That's just what comes out. It's a reaction. It's like being scared and saying "EEK!!" (or some variation of that). Again...it's what I do.
I have posted on this a million times and after this last little escapade, I'm really just venting about it. Ignore if you need/wish/whatever...
My mother, whom I love, suggests to me the other night that perhaps I would be more likely to find true love if I think about finding it with a woman. My response, naturally enough, was incredulity. Me: Well, there's a problem with that though, cause you know, well there's the thing of...well....I'M STRAIGHT, MAH! Her: Well I just think that maybe you haven't opened up your options.
Now here is my mother, having just had a pretty detailed conversation about her and my father's sex life and relative details about my father's stamina (we must have been sharing), attempting to talk me into becoming a lesbian. This is the same woman who refers to my alternative lifestyle friends as "those crazy people." (I honestly think it bothers her more that I'm a submissive than it does that this is the lifestyle I've chosen. If I were a Domme bitch that liked to make whips and talk about beating my men, I don't think she'd mind nearly as much. But this...this is "demeaning to women")
I suppose that I should be used to people making assumptions about me since I really don't ever offer up and truly valid information about myself. I usually run through the same old garbage I've been spitting out for years. I've convinced myself of so many truths that I actually surprise myself when I realized that time has passed and I have changed. But I'm getting off topic...
I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even bisexual. There are several members of RSVP that can attest to that. Don't get me wrong, given the right situation, I suppose I would be sexual with a woman in certain ways. But no, I'm not attracted to women. I am attracted to men. Every sexual fantasy I've ever had directly involves a man. All of them. Yes, all. This does not mean that women don't hold an important part of my attention. I am more at ease with women. I am more likely to flirt with them because I know I won't actually be put into the situation of sex (which I think I'm starting to become afraid of as well). There are women I flirt with, there are women I will kiss, fondle, caress, nibble...etc but it's always in fun and really never with passion. There is a woman or two that I would serve in the right capacity. None of that means that I want to become intimate with one over a long period of time in a relationship. It's just not for me and I would be being untrue if I were to say that it were possible. It's like saying, "I can be poly...I'm sure I can..." when I KNOW I can't be.
Anyway, my frustration does not, necessarily, lie with my mother and her need to make one of her daughters into a lesbian. It does not lie in the fact that several people have assumed that I'm a lesbian from a first impression of me for, at least, the last 10 years. And it doesn't lie in the fact that first impressions being correct is an extremely rare occurrence. Granted, there is always the exception to the rule. I do know of a Dominant in the lifestyle that transposes gender roles to an extent, is a woman, that I would serve, who is poly, who generally gets me more than I've actually let on, who knows that I am a submissive and gives sound advice with all the disclaimers beforehand.....<pant pant>
But she's proven to more than myself on more than one occasion that she's....Different. There are no stereotypes that fit her and I'm honored to know her (and all that encompasses).
I love getting advice from my family and friends because I know it's showing that they care about my health and well-being. This is a warm fuzzy feeling....most of the time.
I don't walk around in a dark cloud mixed with contempt for the world and depression. I may be cynical most of the time because most of the time I'm not thinking about it. That's just what comes out. It's a reaction. It's like being scared and saying "EEK!!" (or some variation of that). Again...it's what I do.
I have posted on this a million times and after this last little escapade, I'm really just venting about it. Ignore if you need/wish/whatever...
My mother, whom I love, suggests to me the other night that perhaps I would be more likely to find true love if I think about finding it with a woman. My response, naturally enough, was incredulity. Me: Well, there's a problem with that though, cause you know, well there's the thing of...well....I'M STRAIGHT, MAH! Her: Well I just think that maybe you haven't opened up your options.
Now here is my mother, having just had a pretty detailed conversation about her and my father's sex life and relative details about my father's stamina (we must have been sharing), attempting to talk me into becoming a lesbian. This is the same woman who refers to my alternative lifestyle friends as "those crazy people." (I honestly think it bothers her more that I'm a submissive than it does that this is the lifestyle I've chosen. If I were a Domme bitch that liked to make whips and talk about beating my men, I don't think she'd mind nearly as much. But this...this is "demeaning to women")
I suppose that I should be used to people making assumptions about me since I really don't ever offer up and truly valid information about myself. I usually run through the same old garbage I've been spitting out for years. I've convinced myself of so many truths that I actually surprise myself when I realized that time has passed and I have changed. But I'm getting off topic...
I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even bisexual. There are several members of RSVP that can attest to that. Don't get me wrong, given the right situation, I suppose I would be sexual with a woman in certain ways. But no, I'm not attracted to women. I am attracted to men. Every sexual fantasy I've ever had directly involves a man. All of them. Yes, all. This does not mean that women don't hold an important part of my attention. I am more at ease with women. I am more likely to flirt with them because I know I won't actually be put into the situation of sex (which I think I'm starting to become afraid of as well). There are women I flirt with, there are women I will kiss, fondle, caress, nibble...etc but it's always in fun and really never with passion. There is a woman or two that I would serve in the right capacity. None of that means that I want to become intimate with one over a long period of time in a relationship. It's just not for me and I would be being untrue if I were to say that it were possible. It's like saying, "I can be poly...I'm sure I can..." when I KNOW I can't be.
Anyway, my frustration does not, necessarily, lie with my mother and her need to make one of her daughters into a lesbian. It does not lie in the fact that several people have assumed that I'm a lesbian from a first impression of me for, at least, the last 10 years. And it doesn't lie in the fact that first impressions being correct is an extremely rare occurrence. Granted, there is always the exception to the rule. I do know of a Dominant in the lifestyle that transposes gender roles to an extent, is a woman, that I would serve, who is poly, who generally gets me more than I've actually let on, who knows that I am a submissive and gives sound advice with all the disclaimers beforehand.....<pant pant>
But she's proven to more than myself on more than one occasion that she's....Different. There are no stereotypes that fit her and I'm honored to know her (and all that encompasses).
Anyway, my frustration actually lies within myself. Apparently there is something that I'm doing or not doing that is sending out these vibrations and impressions and I would really like to know what they are. I'm in need of an internal/mental/emotional makeover.
I keep getting distracted by work and that makes me think I'm rambling. I probably am. Also, it's probably a sign that I actually said I'm getting distracted by work while I'm illegally posting at work on my personal journal instead of working on my honey-do list from the managers.
Bah...Back to it.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-24 06:50 pm (UTC)Hugs*