Need

[autumnluv143]

I was told that I need to write. I suppose one of the things adding to my current frame of mind is that I haven't written on here in awhile. Not really anyway. I just don't want to write all negative stuff all the time. It's sooo exhausting. So this is all woe-is-me, pity crap and I'm putting it behind a cut.

I'm not even really sure where to start except to just jot down things I've observed in the last few weeks. That is as good a start as any. They are all things that seem to add to my state and my state is making simple, silly things into issues for me.

I got my hair done this weekend. It was just me and my friend from high school in his little private studio and he had me facing the mirror while he was working on my color. I couldn't look in the mirror. I was too bothered by what I saw there. The size of my legs alone right now is enough to send me into a fit of depression, no matter the time it lasts.

I feel my weight and my being out of shape in every activity. I can hear myself breathing. I'm uncomfortable and in pain about 95% of my day. My close friends are not close anymore. They all think they are and sometimes I think they are too. But they're not. Yesterday, while talking about how I was depressed with my best friend here, I got blown off for something on TV. I don't think she heard me say that I was depressed. But it doesn't matter. So I didn't answer the phone when she called me back.

My english professor originally had a class of 19 that was held in a classroom with a capacity of 21. The classroom also only consisted of old, decrepit, small desks. So I asked him if I would be able to sit at the front of the room if I got there late and space was limited to those desks. My size only permits one butt cheek to fit into that chair. Literally. The sad part is that this is my 2.55hour class on Saturdays. So what did he do? He has been moving classrooms around on Saturdays on the same floor so that everyone is comfortable. On the one hand, I'm incredibly grateful because I nearly had a panic attack after 1.5hrs of sitting in that desk the last time.

Everyone I meet that doesn't know me, and even some who have gotten to know me relatively well, have such the wrong impression of me. I know that it's partly because that's what I put out there. But fuck me, do they suck at interpreting that. Let's see, there's the one that I'm a lesbian. Used to that. It's fine. Whatever. There are worse things I could be mistaken for. I'm incredibly intimidating. Still not used to that. Still not fine. With years of practice with this one under my belt, you'd think I was more used to this kind of situation. I walk into a group of people I don't know, begin to talk a bit with those in the group...they scatter. They also stand together, look my way and whisper. Years of this....it's not just me being paranoid.

Guys. I don't even know where to begin. The majority of men/boys/whatever look at me in one of three ways: Friends. They could never see being anything more because I'm so very much not their types that it's not even funny.  But  they've also taken the time to get to know me well enough to know that I'm kind of cool to hang around. At least they give me that much. Fuck buddy. They really don't want a relationship because, inevitably, something better will come along than me, but they need someone to fuck and they guess I'll do. I'm fat and probably have no self-esteem so I'll probably say yes. I'm not a challenge. Dear God, What Is That Thing? (bonus points to know where that came from). If they're nice to me, I'll like them. They will be laughed at, picked on or grossed out. Men can not deal with peer disapproval. They also can not deal, politely anyway, with a woman who is too nasty for society having a thing for them. 

Very little of this is actually just perception. It's observation. I've actually had entire discussions with people involved in the above paragraphs and they've confirmed it. I don't let it bother me most of the time. Most of the time, I am who I am and nothing anyone else says/does/thinks is going to change that. Unfortunately, I'm not that tough all of the time. Being on campus when I'm already in a bit of a slump doesn't help. It's crawling with people who haven't learned that being judgemental and critical of another human being isn't helpful/polite/useful...

I think all of that boils down to the fact that I'm lonely. And I'm tired. I'm stressed. 

I need to cry.

Comments

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

:: hands you the tissue box :: Give it back to aurora when you're done.

I spent a lot of time at one point being everyone's friend but nobody's lover. It bites, but I came to accept the fact that I'm an acquired taste, apparently. Like anchovies. There's a lot about me that make people go "yeeech".

It's been hugely saddening to hear things like "I used to be intimidated by you until I got to know you..". It makes you stand around sometimes wondering just what flavor pheremone you're giving off. mutter mutter mutter mutter.

I wish I had some answers for you. What I can tell you is that all this pain does teach you to value the right relationship when it happens. My friends got me through... even in my FWB days.

[autumnluv.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the tissues, but if I wait until I *can* cry, aurora is never getting them back.

I don't expect answers, but I do appreciate your support and words (as always). I just hope I get this out of my system soon. I hate feeling this way and I'm downright impatient when I'm depressed. Not to mention, I know I always get depressed on my birthday (much for the same reasons as mentioned above) and if this lasts that long, I'm just going to spend a good couple of months moping, stressing and agonizing. Someone just needs to punch me. *winks*

[sttatus-quo.livejournal.com]

Crying a little bit along helps. I used to be afraid that if I started, I'd never stop but no matter how sad or hurt I am I always manage to.

I do wish you lived closer. I'm coming back to LA in October. Check your email in a few days and I'll let you know. Z and I are trying to get together with some friends one friday night. I hope you'll get to come hang out for a while.

[beaten-grace.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. I don't live in your head so I can't say I know 100% how you feel, but believe me, I've been close. It's very difficult to be uncomfortable in your own skin because it makes it even more difficult, if not impossible, to be comfortable anywhere.

As one who has had the chance to see past whatever it is that some people don't dig... I can say without reservation that you are one of my favoritest people on the planet and I will love you for always.

I don't have to work tomorrow evening if you want to hang out, have coffee, whatever... Just give me a call.

[autumnluv.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I love you. I have class today until 630 so I won't be able to. But I appreciate it.

[kjaereste.livejournal.com]

I won't lie, I am thinking hard about how to say something supportive.
I've had to deal with those same thoughts recently and, all I can think to say is it sucks even more being my age and thinking it.

All I can do is wallow until my head snaps the fuck out of it.

But I'll blame my melacholy nature.


We intimidating homosexuals must stick together!

[autumnluv.livejournal.com]

I'll always stick by you. I may not submit to you, but I'll always be there. I hate wallowing. It only brings up even more ridiculous thoughts I would never think unless I were depressed and wallowing. It's annoying.

[kjaereste.livejournal.com]

This is quite true. When I drown in the sea of 'I suck', all sorts of thoughts are splashed in my face as I sputter for the air of get-a-grip.


Stick to me like glue, please :)