I'm still trying to discern why I've been avoiding this thing.

[autumnluv143]

I don't know and I'm not likely to figure it out as long as I'm still slightly in the same mode as before. But this is not the point of the post. I'm going to update! Yay! I figured it's been awhile since I truly updated and who knows, there may be people who care...

I ended up failing Alg and Chem. The semester brought my gpa down to a 3.0 but it hasn't figured in my I for the Eco Tox class. I have two months to write my paper, make it excellent and turn it in for a grade. She said if I turn in a top notch paper, she'll pass me with a C. That is good enough for me. So I'm pissed off at myself for how badly I cared about the semester at all. Unfortunately, I'm sure I'm not pissed off enough. I can't even register to retake the classes because I haven't finished paying for the last two semesters. As soon as that's done, I'm assuming I'll find out whether or not I'm going to get another offer for the scholarship this year. Let's put it this way...I'm not exactly holding my breath.

I've actually started making it to work. It's still not 8-5 by far, but it's closer. I think I was pretty close to 40 hours last week and, including my vaca day for yesterday, that will be 40 for this week as well. I've been taking the non-asap work home with me so that I can work on it when I can from there. Another branch manager was here on Tuesday and suggested that I talk to the VP about getting me supervisory rights and a laptop so that I can work from home. I also started working my second job last weekend. I'll probably be maxing out at 22 hours a week. That's not bad. I can certainly handle that, especially at $10/hour. 

It's still non existant. That's ok. I'm not expecting anything. I'm certainly not looking. I can't look when I'm in funk because, when I do, I always get myself into bad situations that make me feel like trash. I've had a pretty good record in the last 6 years or so and I certainly don't want to head in that direction again. It would suck like nothing I could explain. But still, even in my funk, I've been talking to one guy who I feel at ease being submissive around. I call him Sir and he tells me I'm an undisciplined girl who needs to learn some manners (in a real French accent noless). It isn't going to go anywhere, but it's certainly nice to have someone, on some level and in some way that I can express that side to. 

 Tuesday night, after I left work, I met beaten_grace at Michael's and helped her shop a bit. We talked for a good while. I always like to talk to her because even when she is "shitting rainbows and butterflies" she makes me think. I think she's probably more worried about my mental state than is necessary. I'm a little more verbally cynical these days. I always think cynically, just don't always feel a need to express it. 

Unfortunately, part of the conversation we had got me to thinking, again, about Shiloh. I truly just do not understand not speaking to someone for 6 months that you had considered so close that your children called her Auntie without letting her even have a clue as to why. And I don't seem to be able to let it go as easily as I would any other friendship. I don't get overly attached to my friends. It's part of that intimate connection I can't manage to make with anyone else, no matter how badly I want to. So when I do, once that emotionally vulnerable side of me is exposed in its entirety, it's very difficult for me to let go of that. She was my best friend for over 7 years and seems to want nothing more than to pretend like I don't exist. To forget all of the references that we had between us. References that make it so that I can't go a single day in my life without seeing something that reminds me of her and our friendship. Or have one of those days that is just so bizarre that I could call her and end up in tears over because we were laughing at each other so hard. 

So I called her on my way home. I knew she wouldn't answer. But I called anyway. Just like I do about once or twice a month. And this time I left a message. I told her that I missed her and I didn't understand what I did wrong and that I loved her. By the end of the voicemail, I was sobbing and nearly had to pull over to the side of the road because I couldn't see to go around those bends in 1-10 by the bridge. I cried, hard, for a good 10 minutes and then tried to drive home without falling asleep. This is a friendship that I'm not going to force myself to get over so I don't have moments like this. That, I'm sure of it, would harden my heart too much. 

I'm frustrated, lonely, tired, and lonely. Lonely is a sucky word, but what else could you call it? This too shall pass I suppose. *shrugs*

Anyway...that's the update for now. I've lost the energy to keep up with what I was thinking when I started. So I'm going to extract energy from somewhere to do some data entry so that, later, when I'm with it, I can do my job. Yay!

Comments

[crazierdiamond.livejournal.com]

I'll just offer a hug for all else you spoke on *hug*

And then...

"Shitting rainbows and butterflies" OMG. That hurt. My sides. Hurt. Must not read you unprepared. Must not. Ever again.

[autumnluv.livejournal.com]

LMAO Glad you could appreciate that, but it's totally her description of her own behavior. Wasn't the first time I'd heard that but I loved it.

And since when do you not know to be prepared? I'm not as consistant as J, but I can certainly be as funny as he is ;)

[hisnaughtyangel.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna go with Robin on ROTFLMAO about the "shitting rainbows and butterflies". I had just taken a sip of coffee and choked on it. Hehe

And I also send you tight, smooshy *hugs* over the broken friendship and the loneliness. I know those feelings on a first name basis.

[msda999.livejournal.com]

Lots of us care. Bella wants to add her two woofs to that, too! BIG HUGS just for you!

[wolfaugen.livejournal.com]

Awww sweety I miss you, and Shilo as well. I haven't gotten up the nerve to call her, I don't want that rejection right now. *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS and teefs spitting kisses too!* *cheeky grins* Love ya babe!

[kjaereste.livejournal.com]

I love to feel the throbbing pulse that you're still alive in the ups, downs and sideways that are Life.

I hope to read more and stay in touch with you.

dn_lii@msn.com

[(Anonymous)]

Hey lady Iam truly soory to hear how you are feeling about Shy. I may not have been the bestest friend but I know I am hopefully a good one. You know you can call me even if it is at work.Cause you know I am the boss-haha!!! So when you hear the song My wish for you think of me. Talk to you soon:)